Category: How To

GDC Day, or, Making Food While Ben’s Away

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Ben left the house at 3 to go to GDC this morning. Which means that for the remainder of my “sleep” I was attended by the dog and the cat, both desperate not to let me slip away from them as well. At one point, they even sat next to each other, something Medusa would normally become violent over. I guess the sudden disappearance of one of the food-things is enough to make a cat do desperate, crazy shit.

She still won’t let me out of her sight.


This is her attempt to convey “Don’t leave me, I’m too adorable to starve”


Mass Effect in the background, a cat and an Eeepc in the foreground. What more could a lady want on a Wednesday evening such as this. You know, besides her awesome boyfriend.

I always hate it when Ben is at a conference because he’s usually too busy to be on his phone, which means I can’t snark at him about all the stuff that even I’m not stupid enough to put on Twitter or Facebook. Then there’s the added trouble of the food. He normally makes all our food, so when I get home from work I find myself at something of a loss. But not tonight. Tonight I came home, looked around the kitchen, and whipped this beauty up off the top of my head.

How to make this beautiful shit-storm:

Fair warning: I can’t cook. It’s only a weird kind of miracle that this even worked.

Ingredients: Potatoes, olive oil, salt, bacon, smoked Gouda, cheddar, sweet peppers,

Preheat the oven to, like, 400 or something. Take a potato (whatever kind, don’t get weird), cut it thin like 1/8 of an inch, and toss it in some olive oil and salt. Layer the oiled slices on a baking sheet and put them in the oven.

Put the bacon between two thick layers of paper towel and microwave them for 6 minutes, add extra minutes for however crispy you want it. It’s going to cook more after you take it out too, so keep that in mind.

When the chips are starting to brown, flip them around and shit. I have no idea how long this takes. But I guess it’s about the same amount of time as it takes to beat James’ 148 pull-up record in the Mass Effect 3 Citadel DLC. If you don’t have that DLC, then you shouldn’t even be on this blog right now because that shit is awesome and that game is the best game in the universe.

When the chips are looking edible (they probably won’t be really crispy, they’re more like chip shaped fries than actual chips) take them out, put them on a plate and shred smoked Gouda and cheddar all over them, then crumble on the bacon. Pop that fucker in the microwave for a minute while you cut up your sweet peppers. Sprinkle them on top and there you have an amazing pile of grease and sweet pepper. You could also add some corn or other veg, but I was done with making food.

Bone Apatite.

I know. I spelled it wrong on purpose.

Prices of Organic Food at Three Major Supermarkets

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Food is kind of a big deal to Ben and me. While the the majority of Americans spend less than 10% of their income on groceries, we spend closer to 15, although we used to spend more. A couple of years ago, seeing how much we spent on food and how much we threw away, we started a habit of planning the week’s meals ahead of time, including the lunches we take to work. For the most part, we stick to this plan and it gives us an easy way to buy only what we need, and eat all that we buy. Now the expense comes from the fact that we 1. love to eat, and 2. we eat organic, natural, local foods instead of their cheaper processed counterparts.

This doesn’t mean we don’t value thrift, just that it is not as important to us as the health and well being of ourselves, our food, and our planet. By the same token, just because we can afford to spend 15% of our income on food doesn’t mean that we can afford to spend 20. So, in an effort to reaffirm our commitment to organic, locally sourced groceries in 2013, we went to three local grocery stores and compared them with each other on both price and food source quality. Here’s what we found.

THE STORES:

Whold Foods: Whole Foods is probably the best known of these three markets. It has stores across North America, and in the UK.

Sprouts Farmers Market: Sprouts recently acquired Henry’s, Sun Harvest, and Sunflower markets, uniting them under the Sprouts name. They can be found in eight states: AZ, CA, CO, NM, NV, OK, TX and UT.

Ralphs: Ralphs is the California name for national grocery store chain Kroger, also known as Fred Meyer. You can find a full list of Kroger’s subsidiary chains here.

PRICE BREAKDOWN BY STORE:

ITEM
WHOLE FOODS
SPROUTS
RALPHS
Organic Russet Potato
1.99/lb
.99/lb
1.33/lb
Organic Broccoli
3.49/lb
2.99/lb
1.99/lb
Green Grapes
4.99/lb (organic)
2.99/lb
3.29/lb (local)
Organic Bunch Carrot
1.99/bunch
1.69/bunch
1.69/bunch
Organic Pink Lady Apple
2.99/lb
1.99/lb
1.99/lb
Organic Romain Lettuce
2.49/bunch
1.99/bunch
2.49/bunch
Organic Salad Mix – 5 oz Box
3.69
3.49
3.99
Organic Persian Cucumber
2.49/lb
1.99/lb
1.99/lb
Cheerub Cherry Tomatoes
4.99/carton
2.99/carton
3.99/carton
Yogurt – 6 oz Cup
0.89 – 2.30
0.99 – 1.99
0.59-3.49
Sour Cream -16 oz Tub
2.39-4.39
2.30-3.30
1.99-4.20
Cheddar Cheese
0.50/oz
0.30/oz
0.33/oz
Pregrated Cheese
0.58/oz
0.40/oz
0.56/oz
French Bread Loaf
4.20
3.99
1.47
Bagel
0.99/each
0.49/each
0.59/each
TOTAL COST
38.66
29.58
28.28

 

Items I could not find at Ralphs (the absence of these things also clearly illustrates why I don’t shop at grocery chains like Ralphs.)

ITEM
WHOLE FOODS
SPROUTS
Good Belly Probiotic Shot
4.69/pack
4.49/pack
Lactose Free Organic Milk
4.99/gallon
4.99/gallon
USDA Organic Chicken Breast
8.49/lb
8.49/lb
Free Range Ground Turkey
7.99/lb
3.99/lb
Organic Garlic
0.49/oz
0.99/oz
Whl Roasted Free Range Chckn
9.99/chicken
6.99/chicken
Roasted Free Range Trky Brst
9.99/lb
6.99/lb
Dozen Free Range Org Eggs
3.99-6.99
2.29-5.99
Org Frzn Cheese Ravioli – 16 oz
2.08
4.96
Tacupeto (Local) Chips
3.69/bag
3.49/bag
Pacific Natural Organic Broth
3.69/carton
3.49/carton
TOTAL COST
60.08
51.16

 

FOOD SOURCE:

Whole Foods products have a minimum standard of origin and ingredient that neither Sprouts nor Ralphs can rival. All of their produce is either organic, or locally grown, or both. Their meat is graded by a 5 step system and clearly labeled from steps 2 through 5. They don’t carry step 1, as it falls below their minimum standard. I know this is largely marketing, but I like that they state clearly what they will and won’t carry, something Spouts alludes to but isn’t specific about, and something that Ralphs doesn’t acknowledge at all. They also have a much larger selection than either Sprouts or Ralphs. There’s a reason they are so much more expensive than either of the other stores. Even though they don’t illustrate it as clearly as Whole Foods, Sprouts does have a minimum standard for their products and it is respectable to me. You’ll find a majority of organic and local products on the shelves, and at least one cut each of red and white meat that would be considered step 4 in Whole Foods. Sprouts also refrains from stocking anything that Whole Foods would consider Step 1.

I do wish Sprouts had more organic foods. As it stands, their organic produce section is only slightly larger than Ralphs, although their other products look better than Ralphs non-organic selection. They don’t wax their fruit, they tend to have farm info in plain sight, and they tend to look a lot like what you’ll find at the farmers market compared to the mutant fruits on offer at chains like Ralphs. Out of the entire store, the Ralphs products I would feel comfortable buying would easily fit on a single isle. As you can see in the table above, there are some very significant items that Ralphs doesn’t carry. Out of the entire meat section, there was one brand of chicken breast that looked like it might pass muster at Sprouts, but it cost the same as Sprouts’s most expensive brand, Petaluma Farm’s Rosie Chicken, and didn’t come even half way to inspiring the same confidence I have in Rosie, even if the brand has been criticized by slow food guru Michael Pollen.

My response to that criticism is we can’t all be famous authors, and at $8.50 a pound Rosie is already on the edge of affordable for us. Since I don’t personally know anybody who raises chickens, and I can’t raise my own, I’m just glad that they’re as far above the industry standard as they are, and am happy to pay for that difference.

CONCLUSION:

If money were no object, Whole Foods would win hands down, but Sprouts offers as humane, organic, free range, and reputable foods, just not as many options. Their selection is much smaller, they are also much cheaper, and for our purposes at this time I don’t feel like the things this extra money buys Whole Foods shoppers are necessary for our daily lives. In all honesty, Ralphs was never in the running. I only added them because I suspected they weren’t much cheaper than Sprouts, and I proved myself right. It’s nice that they’re trying to be more organic for the people that already shop there, but having switched to Sprouts a long time ago, I’m not interested in moving backwards.

A NOTE ON THE NUMBERS:

These prices are for as similar an item as I could possibly find in three entirely different stores. In the “Total Cost” field, I calculated it as if I were buying only one unit (lb, oz, box, etc.) which is sometimes accurate, and sometimes ridiculous (as in 1 oz of cheese), but for the purposes of accuracy in pricing, I wanted to stick to as reliable a measurement as possible. In the instances where there is a price range (yogurt, eggs) I chose the cheapest price for each store.

SHOUT OUT TO TRADER JOE’S:

I love Trader Joe’s. I know for a fact that they are cheaper than any of the three stores I listed here. I shopped there when I was on food stamps, and I could easily feed both Ben and myself on what was supposed to be a single person’s food stamp allotment. However, I did not include them on this list due to their store size. First, they are so small, they don’t stock a lot of the things on this list. Second, it was already a challenge navigating the midsized Sprouts. The idea of attempting this in the small and crowded Trader Joe’s made me break out in a cold sweat. Trader Joe’s is an amazing store, I suggest you visit them as often as possible.

Sex Toy Safety

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This post brought to you in association with Adam & Eve Toys.

Because of the taboo against talking about sex, especially masturbation and kink, a lot of safety information that should be common knowledge not only isn’t circulated, it’s only now beginning to be researched. What I have here is a collection of best practices I’ve learned from a(n appropriate adult) lifetime of being interested in frank discussions of sex and sexual health and safety. I’ve listed my sources at the bottom so you can do more detailed reading if you like. Sexual expression can be an important part of a healthy life, but like any other recreational activity, there are some general rules and guidelines that can mean the difference between having good fun and maybe needing good insurance. Don’t let embarrassment or shame keep you from becoming knowledgeable about this subject. Read reviews of the toys you buy, and become familiar with the company that’s making them. Keep yourself informed as to best practices for your sexual health.

The first thing you need to know about sex toys is that they are considered novelty items by the US government, and therefore are not regulated at the levels they should be. Some manufacturers take advantage of this fact and will label their toys “for novelty use only” in order to avoid taking responsibility for their products. A “for novelty use only” label is a massive red flag for anybody that cares about their health.

An example of where we are in general sex toy knowledge can be seen in the argument regarding phthalates [1], a plastic additive that gives flexibility to shower curtains, car dash boards and yes, dildos and dick sleeves. Phthalates are on the FDA’s list of probable carcinogens, but they are also in children’s toys and pill casings. The industry response to the phthalate scare has been, on the whole, rather enlightened. Progressive stores don’t carry toys with phthalates, most others offer a clear description of the product’s composition. People worried about phthalates should stay away from any product that claims to be made of PVC, or “[j]elly, which is a widely used material designation, [that] has turned out to be plasticized vinyl (PVC). The plasticizer content may be very high up to 70%, which means that more than 2/3 of the materials consist of plasticizers. The plasticizers used are of the phthalate types (DEHP, DNOP; DINP).” [3] If you’re interested in flexibility, silicone is a trusted alternative to jelly. Medical grade silicone also has the benefit of being non-porous, which keeps bacteria at bay and makes it easy to keep reliably clean [4].

Once you’re equipped with a safe, non-porous toy, anything you’re inserting into yourself (back, front, top or bottom) would do well to have a flared base. Vaginas are easier to fish things out of (or just stand up and let gravity do it’s level best) but better safe than sorry I always way. A flat flare wide enough to prevent slippage, or a set of (rather silly looking, I think) balls at the end will serve this purpose fine. If you’re using the toy anally, a flare or a string is basically mandatory. Unlike a vagina, a butt doesn’t have a conveniently placed cervix to stop things from getting lost in there, and it tends to create rather more suction. One thing all your orifices have in common, though, is sensitive tissue that can tear or even puncture. An untreated injury in the esophagus, vaginal canal, or colon (especially here) can lead to infection, sepsis and even death. It’s good to stick with soft edged penis shaped objects.

Vibrating toys and constricting toys can also be an issue if used improperly. A constant, unchanging vibe can lead to nerve fatigue and even damage, while constricting toys like cock rings should never be left on for more than two hours, nor should they be too tight. There is some conflicting information as to weather metal is good for you [2] or bad [5], but the general consensus is that you shouldn’t be too rough with the boys if you want them to stay your boys, if you know what I mean.

At some point you’ll probably run across the need to lubricate. A Danish study from 2005 [3] recommends the use of water based lubricants with toys in general, as the chemicals involved in their construction are far less likely to be water soluble and far more likely to oil soluble. Oil based lubes like silicone and petroleum jelly are generally not good safe sex lubes anyway, as they can deteriorate the latex of a condom. Most toy stores, online and in real life, are clear about which of their lubes is water based or oil based for this very reason. Your better lubes will also state on the bottle weather they are water based or oil based.

Most toys can be cleaned with soap and water. Some can be boiled, and others can go in the dish washer’s top rack. If you are ever in doubt about a toy’s origins, or when sharing toys, the best, fastest, and most trustworthy way to ensure your health is to put a condom on the toy. It also makes for easier clean up when switching between any combination of mouth, vagina or anus. But don’t take my word on any of this. Ultimately, you shouldn’t rely on any one recommendation or review when shopping for your next toy. Do your own research to make sure a product is well made and safe before you bring it out to play.

Sources:

[1] Unsafe Sex Products and Toys – Consumer Beware

[2] Good Vibrations: U.S. Consumer Web Site Aims to Enhance Sex Toy Safety

[3] Survey and health assesment of chemicals substances in sex toys Nils H. Nilsson, Bjørn Malmgren-Hansen, Nils Bernth Eva Pedersen and Kirsten Pommer Danish Technological Institute Also sourced here

[4] The 411 on Non-Porous Sex Toy Materials

[5] Can Cock Rings Be Risky?

I Took The Liberty of Finding Your Holiday Gifts

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I’ve been living under the specter of anxiety that is the holiday season since about 10 seconds after Thanksgiving, and I’m pretty sure you have been too. In fact, yours is probably much worse since I’m already done with all my Christmas acquiring for the year (I believe the expression is NANA NANA BOOBOO). But I’m anything if I’m not generous (just kidding, you guys know that’s totally bullshit) so, out of the kindness of my heart (lol), in order to save the holidays for you and yours, I’ve been browsing etsy for things you should buy since, like I said, I already did all my shopping (NNBB).

And, as a special bonus shopping list, here’s a link of one of my most favorite, and least visited blog posts ever, The Elements of Grandma Style. Fortunately, I made the post with the future in mind. Each image is personally hosted by me, and each link goes to the store, rather than the product. You can go to that post and click on links, and they will direct you to awesome holiday shopping options in far greater numbers than you can even imagine!

Disclaimer: I probably don’t know these people. Unless I state otherwise I have never bought anything from them, so I have no idea if they’re good or shitty. I just think their pictures are cute.


A whimsical knit hat.


A less expensive knit hat.


A resin ring with gold inside it.


Natural toiletries with extremely attractive package design.
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Earrings that will make people ask “Where did you get your earrings?!”


Necklaces that look like art.


A superhero onesie.


If that isn’t enough holiday shopping knowledge, here’s a post I wrote listing 5 gifts for geeks.

And if it still isn’t enough, here’s an incredibly large Reddit thread listing people’s favorite gifts for under $100.


Secret Girl Confession: How to Talk to Us (as Well as Other People)

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If you’ve spent any amount of time on the Internet as a female, you’ll have had the experience where, shortly after being discovered, jerks treat you like shit, demand to see your breasts, and then implore you to tell them the secret strategy for panty-dropping convos with the ladies. Well Internet, I’m here to help. No, you won’t be seeing my boobs, but I do have pics of my ass, if that’s your poison. <- Personal friends and (God forbid) family members: if you don't want to see my butt, don't click that link, this is not a clever play on words, it is actually my fat ass.

Anyway, girls and how to talk to them: The biggest, most incredible thing about the female of the species that any person (of any gender) should know is this: a constant standard of womanhood does not, and can not exist. Girls, like all humans, are on a continuum along with boys and everyone in between. This continuum covers everything we consider masculine and feminine. Some girls will be farther on the masculine side than some guys, and visa versa. All of humanity is scattered along this topography of gender, and they frequently move around on it through their lifetimes or even from day to day, just to make it more confusing.

So the key to talking to girls is not to think of them as girls. I know, I know, it's all very "there is no spoon," but young denzines of the Internet, you have to trust me on this:


Gender is largely performative

Like all stereotypes, there is a kernel of truth in the boy/girl dichotomy, it’s just that it isn’t as influential as we think. A lot of the differences between girls and boys have to do with the qualities that we, as a society encourage our children to develop.


Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal knows what’s up.

I think that the ‘how do I talk to girls?’ question comes from a place that assumes that there are fundamental differences between boys and girls. And since I’ve basically just told you that females don’t exist (at least not in the way that there are males and females and never the twain shall meet), I expect this lesson to go much easier than other essays on panty poaching.

So, since girls aren’t really that different from boys, why do they seem like they are? Mostly, this is an illusion that comes from the aforementioned social ‘encouragement’ that leads children to develop certain skills, habits and interests while others languish. To a lesser extent, they may seem different because of the set of variables you’re using to determine who you want to talk to.

Say you’re a young, sexually inexperienced individual. You may like video games and knitting and the beach. You see a potential partner, you decide you want to talk to them. From first glance, it seems like they like working out, and fashion and hair product. You wonder to yourself: what the fuck could I possibly talk to them about? Unlike other bloggers who will encourage you with shitty aphorisms like ‘you’ll never know if you don’t talk to them,’ I won’t delude you. In truth, hair product Jr. might also like video games, and kitting and the beach, and other bloggers are right, you won’t know until you talk to them, but fuck the truth right now, we’ve still got the training wheels on, if you know what I mean.

In my own misspent youth, I was always the one standing about 4 feet away from the hottie watching them get hit on and feeling like I should be thinner, shinier, less covered in stains. That last one probably would have helped now that I think about it. And then, of course, I myself didn’t reach out to the boys I liked when I liked them because I thought that there was no way a loser like myself could score with someone like them. And I’m sure that while in the perpetual dry-hump that are the teenage years, I overlooked some decent nerd cock just because I was drawn in by the greasy sexual confidence of any boy who’d gotten his first hand job before his first chest hair. I admit it, I was a fool.

Talking to people you want to fuck is the same as talking to people you want to friend. Find common ground, and whatever their gender, you’re on the right track. Don’t get caught up in the differences between yourself and your paramour. Focus on the similarities. Differences make someone interesting, but similarities make them endearing.

Social Media Training

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Since I left college, I’ve been working for other people helping them with their “Web 2.0″ compatibility. I have to say, I’m pretty good at it. People from partner organizations have contacted my boss to ask if I could share my social media strategy with them, and I happily obliged. After 5 years of being paid to build communities online, I really want to share what I’ve learned with more than just my employer and our partners.

To be completely honest, I’m not entirely sure what the endgame is for putting my tips online for free, except that I’d like to be known for my social media expertise outside the little niche of my industry. So, I’m dipping my toe into the pool of extracurricular activity by starting to offer social media training. The first one was last Saturday.

What follows is the transcript of my livetweet of that training. I think it was a big success and I’m excited to share my first foray into being a private social media professional.

Social media is like a big party where you want to be the most popular guest.

Popular guests don’t run into a party and yell HEY EVERYBODY START TALKING ABOUT ME! Neither are they wallflowers.

Suwalee: You mean I have to say things to make me interesting, so they talk about me?

Me: Yes.

Suwalee: Do people need to know about marketing to do this?

Me: Marketing is detrimental to the social media cause.

Traditional marketing people usually fail on social media because they’re too used to having a silent audience. They don’t know how to be a participant.

You don’t have to know about marketing, but you do have to know about your product, and the people who use your product.

Suwalee: That’s just really good marketing.

Me: Ok, but, anyone can do it if they’re genuine and they believe in their product.

You have to become familiar with twitter. It’s just like the party analogy. If you’ve never been to a party, it’s a little weird at first.

Just like at a party, you don’t want to be boring, so you find followers who share your interests.

If you want people to find you interesting, tell good stories.

Every party guest knows that the person with the best stories is usually the one people gather around.

Tell the story of your product, your workers, your customers.

Before you get on social media you need to know what your product is, and you need to have at least some idea of it’s story.

Usually, the people are the product when it comes to social media. So if you want to be a good social media product, be a good social media person.

Provide your followers with useful information about your product, yourself and your industry.

Give people behind the scenes glimpses of your process. People love an inside scoop!

If twitter is a cocktail party, Facebook is a dinner party. Twitter is fast and fun, Facebook can be more in depth.

When you become a social media presence, people will come to your social media accounts with questions, comments and problems

You want to answer them quickly and accurately. Accuracy is only slightly more important than speed in this instance.

Addressing angry customers in social media with excellent customer service can turn a critic into an ambassador almost instantly.

However, not every criticism needs to be addressed. Sometimes people are only mentioning you in passing, and you butting in can be rude.

Social media gives you the opportunity to see what people say about you when they think you’re not around.

Search for your name, and you can find out how people talk about your product.

If people @reply you, they are speaking directly to you or making an effort to get your attention.

Not all @replies require an answer, but some offer great opportunities to turn a customer into a brand ambassador.

Social media allows people to do something we’ve been trying to do since advertising’s inception: foster an emotional connection.

Suwalee: How can I measure ROI for social media?

Me: Without expensive marketing surveys, it can be difficult, but it’s so cheap if you make $50 more a month, it’s already paid for itself, and you’re building brand identity and brand loyalty.

Suwalee: So how do you get new customers to come to you from social media?

Me: That’s where contests and discounts come into play.

After you have a little bit of a following, start offering twitter-only and facebook-only discounts.

“Show this tweet on your phone to get 10% off your next ___” “Comment on this post in order to win a free ___”

The best way to learn about social media is to get involved. Good social media communicators are made, not born.

Suwalee: Have you ever had anybody say something so nasty about you that it ruins your day?

Me: Yes, which brings me to trolls.

People who say very nasty things about you on the Internet are called trolls. Their criticisms have no merit, they are simply mean.

Suwalee: It’s because it’s in public that makes it worse, other people could read that and believe it!

The nature of ‘public’ has changed. Everybody has just as much ability to be ‘public’ as anybody else now.

People unfamiliar with social media tend to assign value to anything that’s published, but that’s no longer the case.

The reason social media is good for small businesses and individuals is the same reason it can be bad: Everyone can have their say.

And sometimes what people have to say is really dumb, if not downright mean.

Trolls should be ignored, and whenever possible, their comments should be deleted. Trolls make the comment section a hostile environment.

In the party analogy, the troll is the guy who’s too drunk and is trying to start fights. Eject him, he doesn’t belong here.

In conclusion: Be a good, interesting person, have a good, interesting product, tweet about it and people will follow.

RT @AmHamShow: @MarinaRMartinez clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap

If you’re interested in learning more about my social media strategy, or you want to talk to me privately about your social media plan, feel free to ask questions in the comments, or email me at marinarosemartinez (at) gmail [dot] com. I can set up a training for you personally, for a group of people or at your company.

Adulthood Tips and Tricks: Things I’ve Learned So Far

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two seniors streching before a hike
“I love being a grown-up.” “Me fucking too!”

I’m only 27, and a lot of people would still consider me very much a young one. But I’ve picked up some tricks in the last 9 years of legal adulthood that I think might benefit the average reader. Feel free to add your own tips and tricks in the comments, as I am sure I missed quite a few.

  • Speak English (or whatever language you speak):
    The ability to articulate ourselves is one of the most amazing and underused human talents. Chances are you speak the same language as whomever you’re dealing with. Take advantage of that! Want something done or not done, say so! Like somebody? Tell them! It’s not that hard, just open your mouth and talk in a respectful manner at a reasonable volume. Other people have a right to speak in plain English as well, so don’t be freaked out when they have things they want or don’t want or have to say.
  • Dress the Part:
    It took me a long time to realize that people couldn’t tell who I was just by looking at me and talking to me for a few minutes. I had to give them some hints. If you want people to think you’re competent, dress like a competent person would dress. Showing up at an office job in a shitty outfit broadcasts to people that you don’t care, and that is the opposite of what you want to do if you actually care about your job. If you actually don’t care, stay as you are.
  • Be Polite, Even to Assholes:
    When talking to someone I dislike, I try to imagine someone who’s opinion I value walking into the room mid-conversation. If the newcomer wouldn’t be able to tell who the jerk is, than I need to tone it down. It doesn’t always work, I have a legendary number of foot to mouth situations in my lifetime, but the image of someone else viewing my conversation from the outside often keeps me on the straight and narrow. Where I still get into trouble today is trying to be polite but also speak in plain English. It’s very hard for me to tell someone I’m upset in a calm manner and draw boundaries when I’m upset. Which makes it fortunate that English is a 24 hour language. So I can tell them later, when I’m better.
  • Sleep, Food, Exercise and Fun are Essential:
    Without these things in quality (not necessarily quantity, although that’s usually a good bet as well) life ceases to have meaning.

What are your Adulthood Tips and Tricks?

Ok, You’re Special, But Not in the Way You Think

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I tend to think I’m really smart and creative. I got this trait from my father, who thinks we are both smart and creative. And we are. The fallacy here isn’t weather or not we’re awesome people, the fallacy here is weather or not that is actually worth anything. Dad and I tend to think it is, but in the real world, it really isn’t. In fact, if you ask any employer, chances are he’d really rather not have the smart and creative over the hard working and quiet.

Smart and creative people tend to think we’re special, we say things like “I’m more of an IDEA man, myself,” and we are completely serious when we say things like that. Other than being a huge truckload of horseshit, the concept of being ‘an idea man’ only works when your ideas are good, and unless you have several floors of cubicled minions to test those ideas for you, you’re going to have to do some LEGWORK to figure out if they’re any good. In terms of what this planet needs, the ratio of IDEA men to LEGWORK men is about one million to one in favor of legwork.

Not every actor can be Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or whatever hot-n-totty the children are a abluster for these days. For the rest of the cast of Bowlingbrook Montucky JV Senior Cheer Squad, there is LEGWORK. Learn how to wait tables, or deliver packages by bicycle, or do voiceovers, because you may think you’re G.I. JOE material, but you’re going to have to prove it before they bring you to rehearsal and sit you next to Marlon Wayans.

And that’s the sad little boat every IDEA man finds herself in. There’s a million more like you, whose daddy told her she was special, vying for a space at the top of the cube pile, wondering why no one will notice their glory. The reason no one cares is simple: no one cares. Out of the piles and piles of IDEA men in the universe, the lucky ones of us only have one daddy, the rest of these bastards don’t even have that.

Obviously my own dad knows I’m awesome, hopefully at least one of your parents or guardians felt that way about you too. But nobody else gives a half a dry, white shit. All of us who walk around with great ideas hemorrhaging out of us like a homemade tracheotomy need to find a buddy and learn how to do the LEGWORK. Chances are your legwork buddy has great ideas too, and nobody ever told them they were worth anything. Teach your legwork buddy to believe in their creativity, and get them to teach you how to get your hands dirty and how to not be a douche.

What I Know About Sushi: A Guide for Beginners

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Yesterday I teased the sushi guide, and today here it is for your reading, viewing, and dining pleasure. I am by no means a sushi expert, in fact I would list myself as a 4 out of 10 when it comes to sushi knowledge.

This guide is meant to introduce you to sushi so that you can order with semi-confidence next time you’re out with some friends, or a date, or just yourself and a book. I make no claims to sushpertise or sushperiority.

BUT SUSHI IS GROSS!

If you’re really afraid of sushi, and you don’t want to eat raw fish, like, ever, any sushi jount will probably still have something for you. Delicious udon soup is a popular dish that I recommend for those whose pallets run bland. The udon noodle is basically a big sponge that soaks up the delicious flavor of the broth, while the veggies and meats (different ones depending on which udon you order) are basically bonus food that you can pick out of the soup with your chop sticks and eat by themselves. There is also likely to be teriyaki plates, wontons, dumplings, and many more appetizing, non-raw fish foods for you to enjoy. So, no need to be a raincloud on everybody else’s “let’s go to sushi!” party, there is food there for you too!

OKAY I’LL TRY IT, WHERE DO I START?

For those about to roll, we salute you. The first thing I recommend a sushi beginner do is pour a little soy sauce into the little dish they provide you, or into the smallest compartment or corner of your plate if there is no dish, then mix in small amounts of wasabi, tasting it along the way to ensure you don’t over commit. Gently dab your roll into this mixture before you eat it, it’ll add a nice kick to an already good thing.

Beginner rolls include almost all vegetarian rolls. They don’t have any intimidating fish parts in them, just rice, seaweed and veggies. California rolls and their derivatives (like the crunch roll, which is a CA roll built around a tempura shrimp) are another popular favorite. An intermediate roll you can try once you’ve caught on is a spicy tuna roll. It’s not one of my favorites because of the texture of the tuna, but spicy tuna is a very popular roll.

I’M DOWN WITH THE ROLL, BRING ON THE FISH!

There are actually two different kinds of sushi associated with raw fish, but in all actuality, they’ve got a lot more to offer than just raw fish. Nigiri-zushi is the one where the fish is draped over the pillow of rice, and sashimi is just the fish by its self. In this section is where we come up against the 5-10 out of 10 that makes up what I don’t really know about sushi. What I do know is that I like red snapper, ono, salmon, and tuna. I’ve also enjoyed a lot of other nigiri-zushi that I had no name for at the time, either because I forgot, someone else ordered it, or because I picked it off a conveyer belt at a sushi buffet.

But this is what makes sushi so interesting for me. There’s so much more to learn and to eat! I always have fun when I go out to sushi with my friends or by myself. I have my own daydreams of someday being the kind of sushi bar regular that has a rapport with the chef. I imagine him or her introducing me to new creations and rolls and talking about food and life over mountains of raw and cooked sea life.

For anyone who like sushi, or wants to like it, feel free to comment. As I said before this guide is far from perfect, and I’m sure it could benefit from your input. What rolls do you like? Where do you go? Does the chef know your name? Let me know in the comments!

How To Be Better Than Your Parents in Three Easy Steps

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First off, try to have crappy parents. When your parents are shit, the sky’s the limit. If your mother’s currently serving life in prison for murdering your father because she was a regular hooker and he was a tranny hooker trying to steal her John, and you’ve managed to hold a job as a Chevron attendant for six whole months then you’re a genius! But for the rest of us who only have moderately bad to actually good parents, a higher bar is set.

First off, let me clarify: There are certain things ones parents will always exceed at. My mother, for example, is very good at being a heroin addict. One could say it is her calling. I’m not after her heroin glory. I do, however want to learn from her mistakes. In my experience, that’s just three easy steps away.

The fist step is to figure out where your parents are lacking that coincides with where you want to succeed. All of us, even those of us with wonderful parents can look at them and see what they could do but don’t. My father is a wonderful storyteller, a creative and charming man. As much as he fantasizes about it, he has never been able to make money from his writing. I would like to succeed where he has (thus far) failed.

The second step is to get outside help. If you parent’s don’t know how to do something, and they taught you how to be a person, chances are you don’t know how to do it either. This can mean different things based on what your goals are, but chances are, if no one in your family understands what you’re doing (in therapy, at school, in an internship) but your friends do, you’re on the right track. Be warned, the “my parents don’t understand me but my friends do” defense only works if you’re not a teenager, not a bad person, and not doing bad things.

The third step is to never give up, but to know when to quit. I know, it’s so cryptic, but what did you expect with three easy steps?! Nobody gets it right the first try. Say you’ve always wanted to be musical, unlike your tone-deaf parents who think KISS stands for “Knights in Satan’s Service,” and that it’s a bad thing. After 2 months of guitar lessons, you’re no closer to shredding, your fingers hurt and the downstairs neighbor keeps pounding on the ceiling with a broom. Well, have you considered quitting the guitar in favor of the ukulele? It has less strings, and makes less noise. Also, it’s easy to carry. Not a hipster, and not interested in becoming one? There are literally thousands of other instruments at your disposal, the world is your oyster.

If you want to do better than your parents did, get out of your comfort zone. Try new things, go new places. Experience life. Take all the good things they taught you and add your own gems to the mix. Don’t do it for your kids (you might not have any) or your parents (they might not care.) Do it for yourself as a human. You were made to be awesome, so be awesome!