Category: Bad Movie Theater

Bad Movie Theater: Bangkok Love Story Part 2

When we left off on Friday, our heros had fucked, and Cloud pulled a gun on Stone, who tried to work it out and put this silly gun pulling shit behind them. To no avail.


Stone, girl, the man is holding a gun on you and you want him to confess his love? Get yourself to a codependents anonymous meeting!

Reluctantly, Stone leaves the dirty shack and goes back to his amazingly hip modernist townhouse, where his faithful girlfriend, Sand is waiting for him (Get it? Cloud and Fog / Stone and Sand. It’s so symbolical!)

Ok, hold the tape right there, I want to talk about something that’s been bothering me this whole movie, and no, it isn’t why the fuck Sand hasn’t called the cops.

See that? Those chones are perfectly white. WHAT GAY SORCERY IS THAT? Cloud and Sand ran from the cops with only the clothes on their backs. They spent at least a week, maybe longer (I don’t know how long bullet wounds take to mostly heal), hanging out in a dirty roof shack, fucking in a dirty roof puddle, even KILLING A GUY TOGETHER and their undies are completely white. What the actual fuck?

Ok, back to the movie. Without Cloud, poor sick Fog has resorted to hustling to get money for his mom and himself.


Bro, stop moving your head back on my shoulder, I’m trying to get away.

So, Fog makes a cool 2,000 baht, but he generously donates half of that back to his trick, who’s going to at least need to get tested. (And tested again in 6 months, just in case you didn’t know that.)


Good guy Fog: only blows you, but still gives you back half your money for treatment/testing.

Sidebar: Has no one heard of condoms? Not that a condom should be a good alternative to informing your partners of your status, just that if you feel you have to fuck strangers and not tell them you’re positive it would be wise to use some protection.

Cut to alternating scenes of Stone and Cloud being depressed in their separate locations. Sand is exasperated.


Here’s a nice screencap of depressed Cloud cross-fading into depressed Stone.

This goes on far too long.

Finally, Stone makes the first of many attempts to come and see Cloud at his house. Cloud hides.

On the third time this happens, Stone leaves Cloud a note and a cell phone (apparently he just happened to be carrying an extra) and tells Cloud to answer the phone when he calls.

He calls. Cloud doesn’t answer, but he does stare at the phone forlornly.

People, if you think you have something with someone, but all your attempts to get in contact with them fall short, if they refuse to answer your phone calls, you may imagine that they are doing what cloud is doing: staring at the phone, wishing they had the courage to love you. But probably not. It’s a great big ocean, there are other fish. Fish who don’t pull guns on you, or ignore you, or kidnap you. I know that’s less exciting, but it’s better for your health, believe me.

Stone, undeterred, goes back to the Cloudshack again, finds a doll sitting on Cloud’s bed, and decides it’s a sign. It may well be, but it’s a fantastically shitty one. What the hell is a it supposed to be a sign for? “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, I have internalized homophobia, so here’s a doll-me, maybe?”


I’m going to love him and hug him and call him Cloud.

When you sleep alone with a doll version of your kidnapper, who you fucked, it’s going to ruffle some feathers with the little lady.


Ever since he got kidnapped and I failed to contact any form of law enforcement, he’s been distant uncommunicative.

Again, Stone goes back to the rooftop to look for Cloud. Again, he isn’t there.


Maybe it’s your neckbeard, dude. You should probably take care of that.


Cloud is moved by your declaration of love. But not enough to come out from this piece of wood he’s hiding behind.

Having been rejected a fifth time, Stone gets mega-dramatic and we see a flashback montage of his and Cloud’s time together in artistic black and white.

Which leads to this piece of whatever:

While the soundtrack plays an incredibly sappy song about wishing to be reunited. Turns out there’s no bullets in the gun, he’s just being dramatic.

Stone goes back to Cloud’s for a 6th time (this is getting obsessive, bro) and finally manages to catch him unawares.

But when he comes around to the other side of the window, Cloud is gone.

So, Stone goes to Cloud’s mom’s house, where he sees a group of hoodlums beating up Fog for having HIV. Because making the HIV positive bleed on you is the best way to punish them for their wickedness.

Stone karate kicks them all away and rescues Fog.

After a heart to heart over noodles…

…Stone finally ambushes Cloud at his mother’s house.


Oh, I don’t know,


Perhaps because you’re a fucking stalker?!

But I guess that hit the nail on the head for Cloud, because he is on that boy like stink on fish.

Then, for some reason they both walk out into the middle of the street to make out and take off each others’ clothes. Like you do.

Then it’s raining, and they’re half naked, rolling around on the street. Because if you’re going to be making out in the middle of the street, you might as well lay down in it too.

Then Fog sees.

Then Cloud’s mom sees.

Then they’re standing again, I’m not sure why. Unless it’s to make sure that Sand can get a good look too, since she’s in her car at the end of the alley!

At this point I’m half expecting the camera to pan over to stadium seating. Instead, we cut to the inside of Sand’s car, where we learn that she has a gun.

Having given the family and the neighbors a show, Cloud abruptly stops making out with Stone, who is (understandably) confused by this, while the camera cuts back to Sand, just so we haven’t forgotten that she has a gun.

Upstairs, Cloud deals with family shit.

Hearing this, the mom becomes so forlorn that she hangs herself and dies.

At the same time, Sand shoots at Stone, but misses and drives away.

As Cloud and Fog struggle to get their mom to a hospital, two random gunmen (perhaps they came from the off screen stadium seating) take aim at Cloud, but shoot his poor dead mother in the chest instead. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Back at their expensive modernist condo, Sand tells Stone that the wedding is off. Personally, I feel it’s a given after one fiancĂ© tries to shoot at the other, but sometimes one must state the obvious.

The next morning, Fog calls Stone from the train station to say that he and Cloud are on their way to go live in the country, but Cloud has one last thing to do before they can leave and begin their glorious retirement.

Stone knows exactly what that thing might be, and takes off.

In the meantime, Cloud shoots Thai Crime Syndicate Two Face.

And then both Stone and Cloud are headed towards the fortress that Cloud’s ex-hit-man agent calls a house. Cloud murders everything moving…

…except his old agent’s wife, which is a mistake because when Stone comes too late to stop Cloud (or rescue him, it’s not clear) the bosses wife takes a shot at him, and he crumples to the floor

Meanwhile, Cloud makes it to the train station…


…just in time to get arrested.

Fog is distraught.

Fade to black. This is what I like to call the first ending, or fake ending number one.

Cut to a prison scene, Stone is alive, and visiting Cloud, but he is blind. Turns out, the mob boss’s wife missed, shot a clock, and the glass embedded itself into his eyes. But don’t worry, all he needs is a transplant, and he thinks that it won’t be long…


That means everything’s going to work out, right?

After Stone assures Cloud that Fog is taken care of, the boys affirm their love for each other and the screen fades to black. This is what I like to call the second ending, or the dick tease ending.

Oh, are you serious?!


25 years later, motherfucker.

In 25 years, nothing has changed except that I’m starting to hate this movie like it parked a semi-truck across my driveway when I’m coming home with hot food.

Cloud, looking like somebody hit his hair with a poof full of baby powder, is getting out of prison. Stone is there waiting for him, still blind.


This is the first of 3 references to Cloud ‘being Stone’s eyes.’ That’s not foreshadowing, or anything.

They’re about to set off into their old, gay future when suddenly,

A sniper gets Cloud right in the chest. And apparently blindness makes all your other senses worse or something because Stone has no fucking clue what’s going on. He keeps right on walking and talking as if nothing is amiss.


See ladies, this is what happens when you go after unavailable men. Even when you think they’re yours forever, they’ll always have something else to do other than be with you.


Now, this is just sad.


Nope, not foreshadowing at all.

Fade to black, but don’t you worry, THIS ISN’T THE REAL ENDING EITHER, GOD DAMNIT!

Cut to a young Cloud, recording video on the cell phone that Stone gave him. As we listen to Cloud declaring his love for Stone, we see Old Stone now with glasses on, holding the cell phone to his chest in the snow. Possibly in the country, it isn’t clear.

If I was the kind of person who would wait for a man to get out of prison (believe me, I am not) I would at least want him and I to fuck one last time before he had himself shot so I could have his eyes. And honestly, I’d rather have blow jobs than working vision. I think any of us would.

Bad Movie Theater: Bangkok Love Story Part 1

I want to put a disclaimer on this BMT, as this is the first foreign film I’ve done. At first, I was worried about doing it, since a lot of this might be a bad translation, but as the film wore on, I realized that camp transcends language.


The supermarket, eternal home of angsty main characters everywhere.

We open the film with a melancholy sounding voice-over. The hero tells us a little bit about his life…

and introduces himself. He’s a hitman.


Of course it is.

After a dramatic montage of him murdering dudes with a 6 shooter in broad daylight and then easily running away, we are introduced to his brother, who is in poor health, and learn that their mother is some kind of invalid, although what kind we don’t yet know.

We also learn that Cloud has promised his brother, who’s name is Fog (real talk) that one day they’ll all live in the country together happily ever after. And they’ll name their country house the SS Live Forever.

Family time is over, and we meet Cloud’s next victim:


this asshole.

But rather than kill him, he fires about 10 shots from a 6 shot pistol into the crowd he’s standing in, and drags him away in the ensuing chaos, leaving his poor girlfriend distraught, and screaming his name into the panic of the empty night.

Two things: Yes, his name is Stone (I see a theme developing here, do you?) Second: Stone in Thai is Itt, but it seems to be pronounced i-i-t, so the girlfriend sounds like she’s a southern lady yelling either “IT IT!” or “ICK ICK!” This was hilarious to my boyfriend, who was not watching the movie, but hearing it from my computer speakers.

Cloud leads Stone to a hotel for holding, which is uneventful except for the fact that while Cloud is sleeping (with his finger on the trigger of a loaded weapon, by the way) he has a dream that explains his mother’s mysterious illness.


Apparently that they have Cholos in Thailand.

also, that HIV step-dad was a little handsy with the kids. Thankfully, Cloud murdered that douchebag.

it happens really quickly, so I couldn’t get a good screencap, but here’s a handy diagram

Cloud wakes up from his disturbing exposition with a start and it’s time for kidnapee delivery.

In which we learn that Cloud has a code of honor (of course). He only murders the wicked, and Stone here is the lone individual who could incriminate a crime syndicate in the murder of a witness. Which is totally the opposite of wicked.


Looks like your broker lied to you, dude.

Cloud refuses to do the hit.


Thai Crime Syndicate Two-Face is not pleased

Then a gun battle breaks out, and even though all these guys have applied the unlimited ammo cheat, nobody seems to get shot except Cloud, and only then in the arm. Of course they escape, through a hail of magical bullets and Buddha fragments


When gunfights break out in a golden Buddha factory, it’s really the stationary Buddhas that get the worst of it. Also, say what you will about the rest of the film (oh and I will), the cinematography in this thing is pretty sweet.

So there’s a dramatic, sometimes in slow motion, sometimes in regular motion getting away montage that makes a stop at Cloud trying (and failing) to get rid of Stone…

but then Cloud collapses, and Stone just has to apply first aid…


There, I got half naked and clumsily tied my entire t-shirt around your arm. That should fix you up just fine.

and ends with Cloud telling Stone to take him to his Mom’s house, where Cloud passes out and Stone tells Fog Cloud won’t be around much. or something. I wasn’t really paying attention right then. I’m only mentioning this part so that you know that Stone knows where Cloud’s mom lives. That way, when he shows up later it’s not weird. I think the filmmakers had the same idea, actually.

In fact, in all the lead-up to Cloud telling Stone where his mom lives, we get completely lost when they show up at this abandoned looking roof shack we’ve never seen before and have absolutely no clue who’s it is, or who’s idea it was to crash there.

We learn later that it’s Cloud’s, but I honestly thought it was Stone’s. After all, he’s the one about to dig a bullet out of Cloud’s arm with scissors. That seems like a ‘master of the house’ thing to do.

Then Stone takes off Clouds clothes.


Bro, you got shot in the arm. But don’t worry because I’m taking off your pants.

Anyway, there’s about a half an hour of Cloud recovering, and him and Stone becoming friends. They even kill a would-be assassin together.


If that isn’t bonding, I don’t know what is.

Eventually, they fuck.


Oh yeah, give it to me in this dirty roof puddle. That’s not totally unsanitary.

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a fuck scene choreographer, but if there is, I want to be one so I could tell these boys to stop dicking around and kiss for real. They spent the entire sex scene sort of rolling their faces against each other, which looked uncomfortable and seemed awkward.

Then Cloud pulls a gun.

And Stone tries to calm him.


Understatement of the year.

Who knew fucking a dude who pulled a gun on you, kidnapped you, almost shot you, and then co-murdered a guy with you would turn out so horribly wrong?

And since I’m almost 1,000 words in, and only halfway through this amazing masterpiece, I’m going to stop here and go eat dinner with my own awesome boyfriend. The kind of man who won’t pull a gun on a person, no matter how terrible the sex is.

Anyway, stay tuned Monday for the dramatic conclusion of Bangkok Love Story. Will Cloud shoot Stone? Will Stone Fuck Cloud? Is this the end? (Obviously not.)