The Fuckable Butch

John Stewart pointed it out last month with Caitlyn Jenner’s triumphant coming out, but it bears repeating. Every woman in our society is sorted on a spectrum, not of accomplishment, or even of wealth, but of innate bang-ability. “Would you dick this bitch?” is currently the whole of the law where we are concerned. In social situations and in the workplace, in private and in public. For our entire lives virtually anywhere we go.

From before Aristotle to well after Freud, we have been seen as incomplete men, lacking men, missing men. Women are not the anti-man, but the absence of a man. For every woman in the workforce, on the street, and on the television there is one less man doing shit right. And if we are women of color, this is doubly so. If we are transwomen, the connection is even more obvious for those that would dismiss us all, distill everything we are and everything we will be into one stunningly useless assessment: Would I dick this bitch?

This mindset isn’t relegated to hetero-cis men, either. Orange is the New Black Season 3 sensation Ruby Rose is a perfect example of how straight girls the world over would definitely dick this bitch. The model/actress/DJ/fashion designer already has a history of making (previously thought to be) straight girls fall completely out over her, so it’s not totally without merit. And yeah, she’s really pretty and I’m sure a very nice girl.

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As Sam Dylan Finch points out in his article about Ruby fever, this isn’t the first time we’ve seen thin white women with perfect Grecian noses, high cheek bones and marvelously full lips posed in suspenders as the height of androgynous beauty. It’s nice to know that this time the woman in question is actually an out and proud genderqueer lesbian, so at least we’re getting somewhere with that. Which is that we now have a fuckable genderqueer lesbian to add to the list of fuckable transwomen (Caitlyn Jenner), fuckable Black women (Beyoncé), fuckable Armenian women (Kim Kardashian) and even fuckable fat women (we can be models now, guys!) in the media, which as we know is not necessarily the real world.

Tying all this fuckability together is an intense emphasis on the artifice of feminine beauty. Ruby may be the least accessorized of the bunch, but she joins the others in having a full face of extremely well-done make-up in every single shot.

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No one is born with eyebrows that awesome.

Because if a woman is the lack of a man she must make up for that lack somehow. We don’t have a penis, or if we did we took the power out of it by being trans/presenting femme, but we can trowel on the foundation and shape our eyebrows into weapons. We can glue plastic talons onto the ends of our fingers, and we can strap little phallic knife-blades to the heels of our shoes and make due.

A 2013 study found that “more than two thirds of employers admit they would be less likely to employ a female job applicant if she did not wear makeup to the job interview,” and “almost 61% [said] it [not wearing make up] would have a detrimental effect on the woman’s promotion prospects.” So a woman without make-up is not as employable. Does make-up make her smarter? More educated? A better strategist? No, but it does make her more fuckable. Which, as we know is the only scale of judgement that really matters for women.

By being thin and white and pretty and by having extremely well done make-up we have made the fuckable butch. Unlike her predecessor, the unfuckable butch, this new butch makes you feel safe and not really confused at all. This new butch will probably get hired, she’ll even get promoted.

Could we all do that? Slap a little make-up on and become the career and life powerhouse we always wanted to be? I do notice that I close more contracts and faster when I’m wearing red lipstick. For some reason, anything I have to say sounds so much better coming out of a baboon’s ass than it does from the mouth of an experienced, educated professional woman.

And it’s not like we’re breaking any rules. “Where is it written that butch means you don’t get to wear any make-up?” my own boyfriend asked as I was writing this very article. Dude has a point. But liking make-up, as I actually do for all my complaining, and mandating make-up are two very different things.

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As Sam pointed out in his article, it’s all well and good to go around looking like Ruby Rose when you actually look like Ruby Rose. But the thing about the fuckability scale is that while many of us at the unfuckable side are stable in our place, no one on the other side is ever actually truly fuckable. There’s no winner’s circle here.

My friend Sabrina put it best when she said “a lot of my own internal identity struggles right now are that I don’t feel confident or knowledgeable in how to pull off tomboy/butch and feel confident/fuckable/female (I think because I’ve internalized female = fuckable) but at the same time, when I do pull off femme attractively I can sometimes feel like I attain fuckability but then hate myself for it because I feel fake and uncomfortable in my own skin and resent that I have given into societal mores to try to attain fuckability in a way that is inauthentic to my identity – because I’m still desperately craving that acceptance and fuckability factor from the world as validation that yes, I really AM a woman.”

We can and do frequently work extremely hard at being, not who we are, but the fuckable version of who we are. And I’m not talking about to our partners, or even to who we find attractive. The great white dick of the patriarchy looms large over our culture and bestows fuckability on select celebrity women for brief moments in time. Most of this is based on the strategic use of make-up, hair weaves, fake nails, compression garments and Photoshop, but is also very dependent on her not being too crazy or too boring; having the right amount of opinions on the right kinds of things, and never ever making anybody feel uncomfortable about anything ever. For someone who used to be fuckable but who has tragically fallen from grace, see Miley Cyrus. Oh Hanna Montana, why did you have to grow up to be so… unfuckable?

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But there is a real danger in being unfuckable that extends beyond whether or not people like you enough to hire you or buy your album. As my friend Sabrina also pointed out when she said “I think the whole ‘fuckable’ thing is at the crux of so much of gender identity and politics. I mean, isn’t that what people mean about transwomen passing? It’s just code for them being considered fuckable. And it’s at the heart of transphobia and trans panic. How dare you be fuckable and make me want you and then have the audacity to be trans?”

It’s important to remember that not being fuckable, or not being fuckable enough might lose some of us that promotion, or get the door slammed in our face by some chivalrous knight who would run to hold it for a busy looking man, or a more attractive lady, but for many of our sisters, this shit is life and death. Transwomen are murdered at an unprecedented rate as a punishment for their lack of fuckability, and many of their murderers get away with it, or are given reduced sentences. Frequently their deaths are not investigated by law enforcement organizations who won’t take the time to do right by a woman they couldn’t have fucked.

It’s very cute to push gender boundaries, to find the fuckable butch and put her in the paper next to the fuckable Armenian, but pass/fail relationship to validity is not helping us any. We can add as many different kinds of fuckable ladies to the list as we can physically find, but this only ends when the list becomes irrelevant.

07-26-06 Dream or Memory. Unknown.

Found in an old journal.

wpid-20150702_003030.jpgWe are standing in the heat and talking about our moms. Hers is crazy and mine too. Sometimes when I talk about my mom with other girls we try to top each other. Mine used to do heroine, but hers really beat her, so then I have to lie a little just so she knows I didn’t get off easy. You don’t want to look like a wimp.

I’m not doing that today though because this girl is really cool and I don’t want her to think I’m weird. I’m trying to smoke my cigarette without looking lame and I’m trying to feel okay inside my skin but I feel like a fat wad of tissues held together with snot and in serious danger of blowing away.

We smoke in silence and I want to press my skin against hers. I know that I’m nothing so I could fall right through, past my empty clothes and into her. Just by looking I know that she has substance, and if I could just press hard enough I could fall into her skin and have it too.

I stand on the summer sidewalk and I daydream watching the smoke drift into the air. I wish I could figure out how to disintegrate or solidify. The bus comes and the girl leaves to live her real life. I stay and wait. I feel like there’s nothing holding me to the planet. You’d think all this sadness would bring me down.

Sperm Amigurumi

I crocheted a sperm. I have no idea what to do with it.

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I was trying to crochet a doll. I made its head, was working on its neck and thought “can I make this a sperm?” And I could. So I did.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

You are Stitch!

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You’re a monster specially engineered for destruction, but there are times when you wonder if there’s more to life.

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Friends describe you as “high energy.”

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Some days you can’t imagine where they might get that idea.

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You tend to have a lot of confidence about your body.

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But you’ve dealt with criticism in other areas.

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You have weird taste in friends.

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But you’ll do anything for your family.

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And that’s what matters.

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#FreeDesign Hour

I had two takers, who’s work I produced in an hour and a half.

ONE.

Kris

TWO.

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Free design hour wasn’t without it’s mishaps, both technical

and creative

But I think it was very good. The purpose was for me to try out my new ArtFlow app. I like it much better than Autodesk SketchBook Pro, which I had been using. My only complaint is that it’s either really difficult or completely impossible to import images into ArtFlow. So that sucks. But otherwise, it’s easy to use and doesn’t have the massive and shitty exporting problems that SketchBook recently developed.

Equal Marriage, Bitches!

Today is the day that equal marriage became the rule of law in the United States. Thanks to a supreme court decision, minority rights have been preserved despite small-minded buttholes who would prefer to vote on whether or not their neighbors and family members have the same rights and privileges they do.

In his dissenting opinion Justice Roberts put his undying bigotry on record, saying “The court invalidates the marriage laws of more than half the states and orders the transformation of a social institution that has formed the basis of human society for millennia, for the Kalahari Bushmen and the Han Chinese, the Carthaginians and the Aztecs. Just who do we think we are?”

Uh… I think this is America, dummy. Go back to fucking Carthage if you don’t fucking like it.

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The fight isn’t anywhere near over, but today was a win.

If It’s Not the Allergies, It’s the Heat

It was 92 degrees today. In LA, I could do 92 standing on my head. I once sat in 110 in the valley in a wool-blend suit with pantyhose and felt cold. I used to love a nice hot day so I could sit in the heat and bake the perpetual chill out of my bones. I was only ever warm in over 100.

Maybe it’s because I actually have an immune system now, or maybe it’s because the humidity is 53%, but I can not handle this heat. During daylight hours I can’t do anything but languish on my bed and wish for death. I’ve been doing all my work between 5 p.m. and 1 a.m, and drinking water like a fish.

I take multiple cold showers and I might as well be stepping into a sauna on the way out. I feel like I’m swimming through my days. Ben seems fine, but he grew up here. This is normal summer weather for him. To me, if feels like I got shot with a tranq dart.

Fucking Allergies

I am so tired. My throat hurts from coughing, my abs hurt from sneezing, and I’ve been putting chapstick on the inside of my nose because that’s the level of fucked it is in there.

I keep falling asleep involuntarily.

Last week the neighborhood association said that they had a complaint from a resident that there was asbestos floating down the street. It wasn’t asbestos, it was cottonwood. Fat little Satans drifting along, just ruining every hole in my face for their own perverse joy.

I have nothing left to give.

5 Sexiest Man Butts in Gaming

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The man butt has long been a neglected feature in gaming. It’s a shame because the lady butt is practically a major field of study for aspiring game animators. Despite the ass desert that is modern gaming, there are a few bold stand-outs as it were.

Honorable Mention: Fallout 4 Protag Butt

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I know what you’re thinking. This butt isn’t even that great. But it’s such a vast improvement on the Fallout 3 Protag butt that it at least calls for honorable mention in the category Butt Development.

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Before.

5. Kaidan Alenko Butt (Mass Effect)

When compared to the much more expressive and perky Captain Shepard Butt (more on that later), the untrained eye can easily dismiss a butt like this.

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Shepard: left; Kaidan: right

However, when you consider the man that butt is attached to, it’s easy to see why Kaidan makes the cut.

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Yes, Shepard, yes we are.

4. Nathan Drake Butt (Uncharted)

He’s already been named one of the Sexiest New Characters of the Decade, so the awesome glutes on display in this year’s E3 footage show that Sony has no intention of abandoning the fans. Bless you, Sony.

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I sincerely look forward to watching this butt kick some butt.

3. Commander Shepard Butt (Mass Effect)

How can you not list the butt that saves the galaxy?

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Bulky, posterior-unfriendly armor keeps the Shep-butt covered most of the games, which is a shame because somebody put a lot of work into making it appealing in the few scenes where we do see it clearly. This is the ass that launched a thousand Reapers. Mothers, lock up your sons.

2. Geralt of Rivia Butt (Witcher)

Fiddly game-play kept me from finishing my Witcher 2 play-through, and has discouraged me from shelling out for Witcher 3 , but that butt aint fiddly, no sir.

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He does need to buy some new underwear, though.

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If this were an underwear contest, Shepard would win. You can never go wrong with a simple black brief.

And finally…

1. Dorian Butt (Dragon Age)

Far and away the very best butt in gaming right now, Dorian Pavus is not just another pretty posterior.

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He’s also delightfully snarky with just enough angst to be fun, and the man knows how to accessorize with hair.

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What more could an inquisitor want?