Category: Uncategorized

You told me I would feel relieved when you died.

You were right, I do.

Mom,

You were abusive. And I loved you very much.

There is no shame in either statement. Both are true.

I’m glad that life, which you found so painful, is over for you. You used to tell me how much you wanted to die. I’m glad that you have what you wanted. And I’m so sorry that you felt that way.

Your joy was always brief but intense. And you never seemed to be able to remember it when it was gone. Nonetheless, you taught me how to appreciate the world. To see the beauty in ordinary things. Every time I look at the moon I think of you. You used to call me and tell me to look at it when it was especially pretty. 

I remember being on the phone with you, looking at the moon, knowing we couldn’t talk. Knowing that this was a temporary thing, wishing it weren’t, wondering why I answered. I’m glad we had that quiet moment. I’m equally glad I stood my ground when, later on you pushed and shamed and demanded something I could not give you. 

If my skin was worth anything, you would have cut it off me in a second without a thought. There was a time that I would have asked you to. Thanks to you, I thought it was okay to let people insult me, hit me, threaten my life. I thought that’s what good daughters did. 

You never believed anybody who told you they loved you, me included. You told me you loved me a lot, and I think you thought you did, but you treated me like you hated me most of the time.

I’m relieved that you are free from pain. I’m relieved because I finally know where you are and what you’re doing. I’m relieved because maybe I can stop trying to prove myself to you. 

You had an amazing smile. I wish I had more memories of it. 

I Actually Called a Doctor

That’s how desperate I am. Of course, I called her after hours and left a message and about 80% of me hopes she never calls me back because I don’t need a doctor, I am fine.

Sometimes when I’m really sick for a long time, I’ll notice I’m better because my allergies will come back as terrible as they can possibly get. It’s like my immune system has forgotten about the unifying threat that held it together and has decided to go back to tearing the country apart over petty pollens and grass spores.

So, either this is the actual turning point, as opposed to all those fake turning points I swore were happening earlier, or non-stop sneezing and inside-of-face skin-itching is just a new part of my overall suffering.

It’s Halloween weekend. I can’t be like this.

Sick Day 2

I spent the entire day sleeping, except for the evening, which I spent eating soup and playing Assassin’s Creed. I feel much better, although I do still have a cough.

Visiting Grandma

By the time you’re reading this, we’re probably on our way to Northern California to see grandma. I haven’t seen her since October 2013, when she moved to Wisconsin. Bad hearing paired with a lifelong dislike of the phone has made for some pretty stilted telephone conversations over the last 2 years, so I’m nervous and excited to see her.

It’s kind of a whirlwind tour. We arrive on Monday, hang out in Tuesday and then leave first thing in the morning on Wednesday.

It’s 1:25 AM right now, and we’ll be getting up at 6 in order to leave by 7:30. I’m drop dead exhausted, but I’m not sure if I’ll sleep much.

You guys know how family can be for me, even when it’s the family I like. Updates sure to come, if not here then on Facebook.

The Perfect House

It’s been over a year since we moved to Portland, and the housing market is hot right now. A lot of Portland developers like to build these massive fake-craftsman houses in tiney city lots that have a single foot of yard between the house and the fence.

Who in the fuck needs a 5,000 square foot house? Are you starting a crime family?

The perfect house has at least twice as much outside room as it has inside.

The perfect house has wood floors everywhere, except the kitchen and bathrooms, where it has tile.

The perfect house is in a friendly neighborhood with a street that has a decent amount of foot traffic through it. People will complain about dog poop and people putting stuff into our trash cans, but the truth is that we’ll have far less robberies than infrequently trafficked neighborhoods.

The perfect house will be walking distance from the store, and filled with hand-made things.

But more important than what the house looks like, where it is, or even what it has inside it, is who it has inside it. And it better not have the kind of jerks who build a three-story house on 90% of the available land.

Holiday Repost: Thanksgiving 2013

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches. Here’s a little taste of the holiday goodness you can expect to be served fresh tomorrow.


This is late because I spent most of the day in bed. I was worried I might be getting sick. But I’m awake and publishing this bastard just for you.

“I hope I cry.” SMH

Bitch, if you wanna cry, go ahead and cry.

Is it weird that I hope it’s in regard to the likelihood of anal sex going well after dinner?

For those who don’t know, Alec Mapa has a husband with whom he has a 7 year old son. It’s gone way beyond roommates.

You poor thing. That must be so hard for you. :|

There is absolutely no context. I searched her twitter feed, this is a completely isolated tweet about watching some poor bastard bleed out on Thanksgiving.

Adult babies need turkey too.

I don’t know who Michael is, and I’m not even going to try and find out.

This is here for the sheer quaintness of it all.

Thank you, white girl.

Quaintness.

24/7 D/s relationship.

Just…

Reminds me of Coolio

What are friends for?

Wasted Again

Today I got fired from the job I didn’t want. As far as I can tell, it’s because I said fuck and someone more important than me heard it and got upset.

All I really know is that I got a good review, everybody seemed pleased, nobody said anything, and then on my way home the man from the staffing company called and said they felt I want professional enough.

Tell me something I don’t know.

It’s hard to feel bad about it. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad, but not about the job. I feel bad about myself.

I did the same thing I did more than a year ago with my last corporate job. Not the cussing. I did that too, but at least there it was only one in a long line of reasons I wasn’t their kind of girl. Here too, I suspect. I have this habit of deciding how something is going to be (successful, awesome) and then I will contort myself to make that true no matter what other facts present themselves. It’s a good habit when the deck’s stacked against you and you’re just trying to survive. It’s a terrible habit when you’re dealing with everyday life issues.

For example, I know I’m good at recruiting and pitching for myself. I also know that I actually enjoy pitching for myself. So, I take a gig doing it for someone else because why the hell not, I like doing this, right? And I have some doubts about their process, and their angle is the opposite of mine, but I tell myself that it’ll be good to learn some range. Like a lot of things I try, it turns out I have some skill, so at least I look normal, but something’s grating on me on the inside. My principals and their principals are not lining up, but they’re close enough I think I can fudge it. So I try, but it’s obvious I’m not fitting in. And instead of accepting that, and then either keeping my head down, doing my time and going home, I push harder to be good, to get it right, and that never ever works.

I can push myself to overcome a lot. Poverty, ignorance, even physical and emotional boundaries have fallen to this idea that I can do anything if I only work hard enough. But the one place this is never effective is with myself. By which I mean my core self. I used to think that one day I’d grow up and stop being this loud, naive thing. But that’s not really how it works

I only ever seem to become more myself, whatever I do. And honestly, I’m at a point where I’m just glad that the trend seems to be towards the positive end of my character traits rather than the negative.

Because this same inability to admit defeat, to the point of a full on rejection of any and all adversity can be a very good thing. It’s only when the unstoppable force of my will meets the immovable object of reality that we seem to have problems. As long as they’re parallel, we’re fine.

But the prospect of trying to fit in where I don’t fit, and the inability to calmly carry on when I can’t have what I want, or even what I think I should have turns me into an idiot. Or maybe a genius. It did get me fired from a job I didn’t like or want in the first place.

This is an excellent opportunity to feel very sorry for myself, and the fact that my dream of being universally loved and adored isn’t as on track as I want it to be. But that sounds kind of exhausting, and I have a lot of other stuff to do. Now that I lost this time consuming, underpaying, and altogether way too shitty contract, Ill be needing something to replace it. Which means that I’m about to up my own pitching to superhuman levels trying to get that work back.

If anything good came out of this, it’s that I am more committed to my own pitch than I’ve ever been, and I’m unafraid of giving a bad pitch, or even for being yelled at or treated rudely for it. This was good training and practice.

Dirty, Sexy Slavery – Review of Bliss

cover48959-mediumBliss by
Lisa Henry and Heidi Belleau

Thanks to NetGalley for the review copy. Bliss will be available for purchase Aug. 18, 2014.

Trigger warning: Mind rape and rape rape.

Can I just say that I love Riptide Publishing? Good and bad, their books are always fun. You’re never in for a dull ride with Riptide.

That being said, Bliss is an ambitious novel. It would be an ambitious novel outside the erotica field. This is actually why I love this genre. If you add fucking to any subject, it automatically becomes more human. What would seem like an insurmountable feat for a vanilla writer ends up being way more accessible in the erotica field.

Bliss deals with some heavy shit. Set in a combination paradise/dystopia, main character Rory James is a new immigrant to the city state of Beulah when he becomes the victim of what would be an everyday crime back home. But things are different in paradise. Very different, it turns out.

After Tate Patterson accidentally assaults Rory in an attempt to evade police, he is offered what looks like an incredible deal. Serve the man he hurt for seven years, live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Maybe learn a trade. It seems too good to be true because it is.

Turns out Beulah has a secret. And now that he’s been implanted with a top of the line behavior-modification chip, Tate isn’t telling anybody. Least of all the only person who might give a damn.

This is a dirty, sweet, even uplifting story of obedience, loyalty, and ultimately of love found in a hopeless place.

Anybody with a sub/dom kink is going to love this shit. Especially if you enjoy non-consent that turns into emphatic consent. Consent in this case, being used lightly. Mind control chip, and all.

Political thriller fans, especially if they like whistle blowers, will also be pleased. Bliss doesn’t rest on cheesecake. The writers put the characters in danger, in distress, and the consequences are serious.

What can I say except that I loved this book. This is erotica that goes out on a limb. It’s totally different from the usual run of snarky, non-communicative bro-ish assholes chest bumping at each other. Compared to what I read most of the time, this book was a breath of fresh air.

Erotica writers, out of all the genres have the most ability to take risks, and yet it is the genre where risks seem to be taken the least sometimes.

Sex is so universal. It can happen in literally any setting, between anybody for any reason. More authors should reach out, try new things. Be fucking adventurous!

Unlike hard line sci-fi and political books, Bliss does get sappy at places. But I wouldn’t hold that against it. Considering some of the shit that goes down, it’s the only way it avoids being a boner killer. Which it absolutely is not.

5 stars out of 5 for being the most interesting thing I’ve seen in months.

That Sounds Like a You Problem


People, fellow grown-ups, I have something I need to tell you guys.

If any part of your happiness, now or in the future, depends on how other people act or feel, you will never be happy.

There. That’s all I wanted to say.

Carry on.