Movie Review: Colombiana

From everything I’d heard up to this point, I expected Colombiana to be terrible. Turns out, it’s passable! Not high praise I know, but I’m sort of joking. As far as fight choreography for tiny lady v. giant dudes, this offering blows similar films like Salt out of the water. Colombiana tries to make it not completely laughable. Salt flies through the air like a pigmy ninja, her tiny fist leading the way for a horribly mismatched full frontal assault on a platoon of Marine Berserkers. At least Colombiana relies on the element of surprise, which can explain away a lot of her opponents complete and utter lack of combat skills.

Let’s talk about nipples people: Zoe Saldana nipples, which may or may not have been the only characters with any star power in this thing. Actually, I’ve seen these actors in other movies and let’s just say Director Oliver Megaton should have stuck to Transporter sequels, where the emotional IQ of every on screen character is no higher than that of a tumbleweed. And believe me, I love Transporter 3. What’s more awesome than two movies where Jason Statham drives a car in the sexiest fashion? Three of them. Duh.

Anyway, I didn’t rent Colombia for the emotional portrayals of the fate of third world children. Honestly, I only wish that there had been more explosions and less crying. Or more fucking and less crying. Or really, just less crying. Will there ever be a time when I can watch a movie about an awesome chick that kills people without watching her fucking cry? I guess not this year.

There is a beauty to a lot of these shots, as far as action is concerned, Megaton has a really good eye. A parkour chase scene across the rooftops and through the alleyways of the Colombian suburbs is fascinating, colorful, amazing and even a little bit funny at times. All the fight scenes, and sneaking around scenes and not talking about stupid feelings or family or other dumb things scenes are awesome.

This wasn’t nearly the mess everybody said it was. If there was some way we could have combined the ass-kicking awesomeness of Angelina Jolie and the relatively good writing in Salt with the great fight choreography and scene composition of Colombiana, we might have had a lady action movie that could stand up to all the dude action movies in the world. Long Kiss Goodnight can’t be our only miracle here.

See this movie if you appreciate Zoe Saldana’s naked back, and/or the outline of her nipples being in every other scene. Also, great fights and explosions.