Tagged: vagina

Twitter Tells Me: Douching, Public Anxiety and Hashtag Hate

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@Tuttle88 asked: why do women, specifically American women, douche?

Well my foreign friend, America isn’t called the land of milk and cheese for nothing.

Actually, I don’t really know. Being an American woman who refuses to douche, or do any of the idiotic, damaging and unnatural and downright snatch-unfriendly things advertisers tell us to, I have no idea what’s wrong with these cunts. As you know, Americans invented everything, which means that modern advertising was born and tested here. So we’ve been getting decades and decades of slick professional messages telling us to wash away the filth of our sinful mama makers. Eventually, even a reasonable lady might look at the vagina shaped hand puppet in that horribly racist Summer’s Eve commercial and think “you know, maybe my clam sandwich should actually smell like fresh cut grass.”

God damnit. It looks like Summer’s Cleave up and took all their commercials off of youtube. That’s just no God damn fun. Trust me when I say they were creepy, bad and racist. And baaad!

Anyway, douching is stupid.

ThereminJelly said: I did some public performing the other day. How about something about anxiety in public? Or about dealing with it.

I’m ok with performing in public, or speaking to large groups, that’s cool. But if I have to stand in a long line or shop in a crowded store, my palms get sweaty. Something about all those people, pushing up towards you, zombie-like with their mismanaged children and carts full of gallon vodka really makes a heart beat faster. And not in the fun way. In a horrible way.

It’s especially bad if the shelves in the store are tall. If I can’t see over them, I get a choking feeling in my throat and the music from psycho starts playing in my spleen. Obviously I’m being a little dramatic for entertainment value, but those things do bother me about being in public near people I don’t know.

I usually try to get away from the main density of the crowd, or I take out my phone and distract myself from my doom. Also, deep, even breaths.

JoshAintFunny suggested: blog about something you hate (or disklike heavily if ‘hate’s’ too strong a word for you)

I am really starting to hate this stupid fucking hashtag meme. You know what I’m talking about. It started on twitter as an ironic and cutesy joke where you would tweet something like “washed the dog today” and then add the adorable precious hashtag like #coveredinwater, because you get #coveredinwater when you wash a fucking dog. Right?! I can’t take the funny, it’s literally killing me from every possible direction #notreally.

Now it’s simply everywhere. The whole sloppy internet is covered in ballsackingly lame hashtag footnotes to things big and small. “Had another stupid baby #freetummytuck.” “Dad killed himself while jerking off yesterday #familyvacation.” “Fucked a warm melon with your face painted on it in my own wine-dark blood #pleasetakemeback.” It’s unbearable. I’ll even admit to having participated in this madness myself, but that was weeks ago, in the heady go-go upshot of what became this horrible plague meme. I make amends for my part in it, and I need this shit to end.

Female Masturbation Techniques

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mikesmith916: @Marinaisgo Your plans for the year? Current list of people that the world needs to send Mars without proper planning?
moopigmoo: @Marinaisgo Blog about female masturbation technique.
mikesmith916: @Marinaisgo @moopigmoo‘s idea is much better.


I feel a bulleted list coming on.

  • Humping a pillow..
  • Humping your palm
  • Humping anything, really.
  • The Hang Ten: middle 3 fingers inside the vagina with the thumb and pinky serving as both a push off point and a stabilizing force while the heel of the palm stimulates the clitoris through constant pressure.
  • The DJ Hero: Using 2 or 3 fingers to stimulate the clitoris in a circular motion, while using the other hand to play with breasts and nipples.
  • Rollin’ with the Homies: Using all of the fingers to stroke the entire vulva in a repetitive, up and down motion.
  • The Jackhammer: Fingerfucking oneself with 2 or 3 fingers in a steady rhythm. This only works if you are not too fat, and/or you have fairly long arms.
  • Bad Girl: Slapping or patting the vulva or clitoral area once or twice in quick succession.
  • Girl Fight: Pulling pubic hair.
  • The Houdini: Bringing oneself to orgasm by constricting and releasing the pelvic floor muscles and nothing else.
  • Terrorist Fist Hump: You know it’s serious when you’re fisting yourself.
  • Tainted Love: Reaching behind or around with the secondary hand and playing with one’s asshole.
  • Vibrator, applied to the clitoral tissue. Contrary to popular belief, a vibrator should not be used as a dildo, although sometimes the fastest way to get to the clitoral nerve mass is from the inside.
  • Dildos, in my experience need to be a few inches longer than your favorite dick length in order make good use of leverage.
  • Butt plugs are not just for gays ladies. I have been told, and have come to believe (through careful experimentation) that when constant pressure is applied to the anus, vagina and clitoris, a woman can experience a sustained orgasm several minutes long.
  • Combo Platter: Using toys and manual stimulation simultaneously.
  • Some girls say that the rhythm of riding a horse has done it for them. I rode horses and never experienced that, but then again, I almost always rode bareback. Maybe it has something to do with the saddle
  • Sitting on the washing machine or dryer. Again, I tried in vain to figure out what the thrill was, but for the life of me it never worked.
  • Positioning one’s vagina directly under the flow of water as it comes out of bathtub spigot.  Another one I never mastered.
  • Hand-held adjustable speed shower head. Yet another masturbation technique that’s lost on me.
  • Any combination of these things.


I’m sure that I missed some things, I really encourage you guys to add to the list. I think this’ll be fun.

Twitter Tells Me To

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I put the call out on twitter for a blog subject and this is what I got:


cherryfizzy: @Marinaisgo about why your pants are awesome?


I don’t really get this once since I tend to avoid pants like the plague. I have a very high waste, and I carry my fat in the front, so wearing constricting fabric all up around my fat stomach has never appealed to me. Not to mention the fact that pants bother my vagina. Also, my lack of ass and hips in relation to my stomach make me look ridiculous every time I wear them.


When I was in highschool and college I wore pants constantly, but they were always far too big for me and I would sag them down around my hips. At the time I was either thin enough or retarded enough to think this was a good look, but once I started trying to be taken seriously as a professional, educated woman, I knew that pants had to go.


Every so often, on a weekend or on an extremely casual day at work, I’ll dig out my old cargo shorts, and try to relive the glory days, but I know it’s over between pants and me. My gross old Cartman gut hangs over my awesome cargo shorts, and no matter how many or various different shirts I wear on top of that, there’s no way I could lie to myself and say that it looks okay. So i put a damn skirt on and I go about my day.


I have to admit that I miss pants terribly at times. I don’t like the vulnerability of skirts, but they’re infinitely more comfortable than pants, so I stick with skirts and dresses most of the time. Although I do have a secret wish that my weight loss will continue at least until I can wear pants again and not look like a fool and feel like a sausage.