After yesterday’s post I feel like I should explain a little bit. I have a habit of thinking that all solutions are permanent solutions. That if I just figure out what I want to do, then that problem is over and I’ll never suffer insecurity or self-doubt ever again. Even as I know, and could tell anyone who wasn’t me, that the only certainty in life is change and pain from change, I can never remember it myself.
All I want is for God to come down from the sky, touch me on the head and tell me that the rest of my days will be good ones. In the absence of that, I dig through my guts for the answer: The thing that will solve all my problems. And because it doesn’t exist, I don’t find it.
I have this idea that I deserve peace. That peace is a trophy I’ve wrenched from the jaws of dysfunction. Which is obviously incorrect because I don’t have peace. You would think that, having been homeless and hungry, having lived in terror and pain, I would have a stronger spine than this. But I don’t feel stronger, I feel tired. Having weathered one storm, a house is not automatically more prepared for the next one. It’s only through learning the lessons and applying new knowledge that anything is ever stronger through adversity.
Now I know that I cannot conflate my identity with my career. I can see how it has contributed to this depression.
One more time, I am reminded that peace is a matter of perspective, not of reality. Everything will always change. That is a solid fact. I can either fear it, or accept it. Even as it is so painful to accept it, it is more terrible to fear it. There is no divine grace for any of us. Mortality, insecurity, and insanity falls on everyone. Like I said yesterday, I decided that I move forward, and so I do. But I can do so filled with doubt, or I can do so with the calm knowledge that I bring peace with me if I want to.
I have been such a mess over this job thing, and I don’t really think this is the end of it. I don’t really think there is an end to it. Life is struggle, and loss, and doubt. I can either get with that, and move through it, or I can get caught up in trying to avoid whatever reality I find myself in and fail to see the rest of the picture. Out of struggle comes triumph, loss makes space for new growth, doubt makes certainty clearer.