After yesterday’s post I feel like I should explain a little bit. I have a habit of thinking that all solutions are permanent solutions. That if I just figure out what I want to do, then that problem is over and I’ll never suffer insecurity or self-doubt ever again. Even as I know, and could tell anyone who wasn’t me, that the only certainty in life is change and pain from change, I can never remember it myself.
All I want is for God to come down from the sky, touch me on the head and tell me that the rest of my days will be good ones. In the absence of that, I dig through my guts for the answer: The thing that will solve all my problems. And because it doesn’t exist, I don’t find it.
I have this idea that I deserve peace. That peace is a trophy I’ve wrenched from the jaws of dysfunction. Which is obviously incorrect because I don’t have peace. You would think that, having been homeless and hungry, having lived in terror and pain, I would have a stronger spine than this. But I don’t feel stronger, I feel tired. Having weathered one storm, a house is not automatically more prepared for the next one. It’s only through learning the lessons and applying new knowledge that anything is ever stronger through adversity.
Now I know that I cannot conflate my identity with my career. I can see how it has contributed to this depression.
One more time, I am reminded that peace is a matter of perspective, not of reality. Everything will always change. That is a solid fact. I can either fear it, or accept it. Even as it is so painful to accept it, it is more terrible to fear it. There is no divine grace for any of us. Mortality, insecurity, and insanity falls on everyone. Like I said yesterday, I decided that I move forward, and so I do. But I can do so filled with doubt, or I can do so with the calm knowledge that I bring peace with me if I want to.
I have been such a mess over this job thing, and I don’t really think this is the end of it. I don’t really think there is an end to it. Life is struggle, and loss, and doubt. I can either get with that, and move through it, or I can get caught up in trying to avoid whatever reality I find myself in and fail to see the rest of the picture. Out of struggle comes triumph, loss makes space for new growth, doubt makes certainty clearer.
I wish I could say “Everything will get better” and have you believe me, but I know better. People said that to me and I didn’t believe it either. It does though…and let me be an example.
After 14 months, I finally received a call. It was a job offer. I took it.
So if someone as airy fairy, impatient, and had as many disappointments as me can do it, I know you can. I know because you have been documenting your whole struggle. You have made yourself accountable…and you actually care.
It’s out there somewhere. You’ll find it eventually.
I’m so glad to hear that you got an offer! It’s not that I don’t think work will come. That will happen or it won’t, and if it doesn’t, something else will come along. I’m not as worried about getting through the financial stuff as I was when this first started. I’m just in a funk because I have so much on my mind. This is a down time, I’ve had those before, and just like I’m doing now, I failed to appreciate the silver lining. Things are going to heat up and then I’ll have a whole new set of problems I’ll once again fail to see the upside of. If only I could be happy with what I have instead of agonizing over shit I can’t control.