When I Grow Up I Want to Be Easy on the Eyes

Hulu’s been showing the same two Weight Watcher’s commercials for about a month now, and I finally listened to one of them:

If you’re not keen on stuffing diet propaganda in your face holes, the commercial opens on a little girl riding her bike and telling the camera how she wants to go to the moon when she grows up. Ostensibly so she can float to school, but still, that’s a lofty and admirable sciencey-sounding goal. Then kindly Weight Watchers voice over asks “remember when you thought anything was possible?” Followed by a bunch of crap about how you too can live your dreams… not of going to the moon, that was dumb, but of being thin!!

A lot of commercials make me want to kick my TV in half, so I’m not going to act like this is the only one, but it’s definitely on the list.

GIRLS DON’T GO TO THE MOON. That’s fucking silly talk. Girls certainty don’t imagine a moon colony verdant enough to support families and schools one can float to. GIRLS JUST WORRY ABOUT THEIR THIGHS.

Remember when you thought that you might be able to contribute to massively helpful scientific breakthroughs in terraforming, space travel, and extraterrestrial community building? Yeah, well, everyone can see your muffin top. Go sit in your cubicle and worry if love handles are an indication of a life unlived.

Pro tip: Love handles or no love handles, the fact that you probably had big, awesome dreams and now all you can think of is weather or not your ass is regulation sized is definitely an indication of a life unlived. Every time you wonder if you’re worth has decreased for every uptick of the scale, consider it a post-card from your dreams with a big fat WISH YOU WERE HERE! Across the front.

Obsessing about perceived flaws is a red eye to sad bastard hell, and Weight Watchers is ready at the cockpit door, waiting to hand out your “Oh I can’t eat that” badge. TRY TO REMEMBER WHAT REAL ACCOMPLISHMENT FEELS LIKE, PEOPLE. It in no way resembles saying no to office cupcakes.

Or maybe it is. At the end of the day, only one person is going to be able to tell you what counts as an accomplishment.

Or you.