The Perfect House

It’s been over a year since we moved to Portland, and the housing market is hot right now. A lot of Portland developers like to build these massive fake-craftsman houses in tiney city lots that have a single foot of yard between the house and the fence.

Who in the fuck needs a 5,000 square foot house? Are you starting a crime family?

The perfect house has at least twice as much outside room as it has inside.

The perfect house has wood floors everywhere, except the kitchen and bathrooms, where it has tile.

The perfect house is in a friendly neighborhood with a street that has a decent amount of foot traffic through it. People will complain about dog poop and people putting stuff into our trash cans, but the truth is that we’ll have far less robberies than infrequently trafficked neighborhoods.

The perfect house will be walking distance from the store, and filled with hand-made things.

But more important than what the house looks like, where it is, or even what it has inside it, is who it has inside it. And it better not have the kind of jerks who build a three-story house on 90% of the available land.