Bad Movie Theater: Bangkok Love Story Part 1

I want to put a disclaimer on this BMT, as this is the first foreign film I’ve done. At first, I was worried about doing it, since a lot of this might be a bad translation, but as the film wore on, I realized that camp transcends language.

The supermarket, eternal home of angsty main characters everywhere.

We open the film with a melancholy sounding voice-over. The hero tells us a little bit about his life…

and introduces himself. He’s a hitman.

Of course it is.

After a dramatic montage of him murdering dudes with a 6 shooter in broad daylight and then easily running away, we are introduced to his brother, who is in poor health, and learn that their mother is some kind of invalid, although what kind we don’t yet know.

We also learn that Cloud has promised his brother, who’s name is Fog (real talk) that one day they’ll all live in the country together happily ever after. And they’ll name their country house the SS Live Forever.

Family time is over, and we meet Cloud’s next victim:

this asshole.

But rather than kill him, he fires about 10 shots from a 6 shot pistol into the crowd he’s standing in, and drags him away in the ensuing chaos, leaving his poor girlfriend distraught, and screaming his name into the panic of the empty night.

Two things: Yes, his name is Stone (I see a theme developing here, do you?) Second: Stone in Thai is Itt, but it seems to be pronounced i-i-t, so the girlfriend sounds like she’s a southern lady yelling either “IT IT!” or “ICK ICK!” This was hilarious to my boyfriend, who was not watching the movie, but hearing it from my computer speakers.

Cloud leads Stone to a hotel for holding, which is uneventful except for the fact that while Cloud is sleeping (with his finger on the trigger of a loaded weapon, by the way) he has a dream that explains his mother’s mysterious illness.

Apparently that they have Cholos in Thailand.

also, that HIV step-dad was a little handsy with the kids. Thankfully, Cloud murdered that douchebag.

it happens really quickly, so I couldn’t get a good screencap, but here’s a handy diagram

Cloud wakes up from his disturbing exposition with a start and it’s time for kidnapee delivery.

In which we learn that Cloud has a code of honor (of course). He only murders the wicked, and Stone here is the lone individual who could incriminate a crime syndicate in the murder of a witness. Which is totally the opposite of wicked.

Looks like your broker lied to you, dude.

Cloud refuses to do the hit.

Thai Crime Syndicate Two-Face is not pleased

Then a gun battle breaks out, and even though all these guys have applied the unlimited ammo cheat, nobody seems to get shot except Cloud, and only then in the arm. Of course they escape, through a hail of magical bullets and Buddha fragments

When gunfights break out in a golden Buddha factory, it’s really the stationary Buddhas that get the worst of it. Also, say what you will about the rest of the film (oh and I will), the cinematography in this thing is pretty sweet.

So there’s a dramatic, sometimes in slow motion, sometimes in regular motion getting away montage that makes a stop at Cloud trying (and failing) to get rid of Stone…

but then Cloud collapses, and Stone just has to apply first aid…

There, I got half naked and clumsily tied my entire t-shirt around your arm. That should fix you up just fine.

and ends with Cloud telling Stone to take him to his Mom’s house, where Cloud passes out and Stone tells Fog Cloud won’t be around much. or something. I wasn’t really paying attention right then. I’m only mentioning this part so that you know that Stone knows where Cloud’s mom lives. That way, when he shows up later it’s not weird. I think the filmmakers had the same idea, actually.

In fact, in all the lead-up to Cloud telling Stone where his mom lives, we get completely lost when they show up at this abandoned looking roof shack we’ve never seen before and have absolutely no clue who’s it is, or who’s idea it was to crash there.

We learn later that it’s Cloud’s, but I honestly thought it was Stone’s. After all, he’s the one about to dig a bullet out of Cloud’s arm with scissors. That seems like a ‘master of the house’ thing to do.

Then Stone takes off Clouds clothes.

Bro, you got shot in the arm. But don’t worry because I’m taking off your pants.

Anyway, there’s about a half an hour of Cloud recovering, and him and Stone becoming friends. They even kill a would-be assassin together.

If that isn’t bonding, I don’t know what is.

Eventually, they fuck.

Oh yeah, give it to me in this dirty roof puddle. That’s not totally unsanitary.

I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a fuck scene choreographer, but if there is, I want to be one so I could tell these boys to stop dicking around and kiss for real. They spent the entire sex scene sort of rolling their faces against each other, which looked uncomfortable and seemed awkward.

Then Cloud pulls a gun.

And Stone tries to calm him.

Understatement of the year.

Who knew fucking a dude who pulled a gun on you, kidnapped you, almost shot you, and then co-murdered a guy with you would turn out so horribly wrong?

And since I’m almost 1,000 words in, and only halfway through this amazing masterpiece, I’m going to stop here and go eat dinner with my own awesome boyfriend. The kind of man who won’t pull a gun on a person, no matter how terrible the sex is.

Anyway, stay tuned Monday for the dramatic conclusion of Bangkok Love Story. Will Cloud shoot Stone? Will Stone Fuck Cloud? Is this the end? (Obviously not.)