3 Dumb Assumptions That Are Ruining Your Heterosexual Life

The whole world is made for us cis hetero trash, and what do we do? Fuck it all up by uncontrollable breeding and religious hate-speech. Also bad, weird sex. It’s almost like we feel guilty for our privilege and have decided that our collective punishment should be uninspired fuck sessions forever. Instead of, you know, actually supporting equal rights and not being tools to our queer brothers, sisters and siblings of all kinds.

Here are three things we automatically assume about sex that is killing our collective sex life.

1. Man butt is not made of plutonium. It’s totally okay to touch it. Fun fact: having someone play with your butt does not make you gay. Because you know what makes you gay? BEING FUCKING GAY, DUMMY.

2. Penis in vagina is not the only kind of sex. Shocking, I know, but there are about as many different ways to fornicate as there are stars in the sky, and only a few of them involve penetration. Take a break from mindlessly stabbing your lady with your meat missile and figure out some new moves. It’s not a sin. Because there’s no such thing.

3. It’s not all about cumming. Sacrilege! Why else do we fuck? Certainly not to connect on an intimate level with another human being who we care about and enjoy being with. Perhaps someone we want to touch and affirm our positive feelings for in an attempt to bond with them and communicate their loveliness to us?

Of course, if you don’t want to have a different kind of sex than you currently have, or if there are certain things you are not interested in, by all means set your boundaries, be who you are. But don’t keep having boring sex just because you think that’s what sex is.