Twitter Tells Me: Douching, Public Anxiety and Hashtag Hate

@Tuttle88 asked: why do women, specifically American women, douche?

Well my foreign friend, America isn’t called the land of milk and cheese for nothing.

Actually, I don’t really know. Being an American woman who refuses to douche, or do any of the idiotic, damaging and unnatural and downright snatch-unfriendly things advertisers tell us to, I have no idea what’s wrong with these cunts. As you know, Americans invented everything, which means that modern advertising was born and tested here. So we’ve been getting decades and decades of slick professional messages telling us to wash away the filth of our sinful mama makers. Eventually, even a reasonable lady might look at the vagina shaped hand puppet in that horribly racist Summer’s Eve commercial and think “you know, maybe my clam sandwich should actually smell like fresh cut grass.”

God damnit. It looks like Summer’s Cleave up and took all their commercials off of youtube. That’s just no God damn fun. Trust me when I say they were creepy, bad and racist. And baaad!

Anyway, douching is stupid.

ThereminJelly said: I did some public performing the other day. How about something about anxiety in public? Or about dealing with it.

I’m ok with performing in public, or speaking to large groups, that’s cool. But if I have to stand in a long line or shop in a crowded store, my palms get sweaty. Something about all those people, pushing up towards you, zombie-like with their mismanaged children and carts full of gallon vodka really makes a heart beat faster. And not in the fun way. In a horrible way.

It’s especially bad if the shelves in the store are tall. If I can’t see over them, I get a choking feeling in my throat and the music from psycho starts playing in my spleen. Obviously I’m being a little dramatic for entertainment value, but those things do bother me about being in public near people I don’t know.

I usually try to get away from the main density of the crowd, or I take out my phone and distract myself from my doom. Also, deep, even breaths.

JoshAintFunny suggested: blog about something you hate (or disklike heavily if ‘hate’s’ too strong a word for you)

I am really starting to hate this stupid fucking hashtag meme. You know what I’m talking about. It started on twitter as an ironic and cutesy joke where you would tweet something like “washed the dog today” and then add the adorable precious hashtag like #coveredinwater, because you get #coveredinwater when you wash a fucking dog. Right?! I can’t take the funny, it’s literally killing me from every possible direction #notreally.

Now it’s simply everywhere. The whole sloppy internet is covered in ballsackingly lame hashtag footnotes to things big and small. “Had another stupid baby #freetummytuck.” “Dad killed himself while jerking off yesterday #familyvacation.” “Fucked a warm melon with your face painted on it in my own wine-dark blood #pleasetakemeback.” It’s unbearable. I’ll even admit to having participated in this madness myself, but that was weeks ago, in the heady go-go upshot of what became this horrible plague meme. I make amends for my part in it, and I need this shit to end.

6 Replies to “Twitter Tells Me: Douching, Public Anxiety and Hashtag Hate

  1. Up until now I had no idea what doucheing actually was (being British, our advertising isn’t as psychotically efficient, more a T-800 to your T-1000), but now I’m horrified.

    Vagina air freshener? That was/is really a thing? Jaysis.

    Also, I completely sympathise with the crowded store thing. There’s a really awful feeling there reminiscent of seeing ants in a seething anthill crawl over each other.

  2. I know why women douche: because we loooooove yeast infections! \o/

    I wonder how many women actually even douche anymore. Douches still exist, so it must be some, but I’d imagine it’s an over-40 phenomenon at the very least, thus the “let’s appeal to the kids” advertisements.

  3. Yeah, the little hashtag jokes are a bit stupid. They really defeat the purpose, although I wouldn’t be surprised if they never hashtagged properly to begin with.

    Oh, and if you happen to have a douching partner, don’t ask them why. Also don’t correct them. I learned when I was 13 that there’s natural self cleaning, but my sex ed must have been special, because all my wife learned was “Vinegar cleans that dirty snatch”.

  4. @theremin I’m not sure if there’s fresh cut grass scented vag wash, but they are scented. And it’s totally creepy.

  5. @Emily Thanks, and happy belated birthday (facebook updates my calendar with all my FB friends birthdays.)

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