The Heterosexual Questionnaire

The Questionnaire was developed by Dr. Martin Rochlin in 1972 to illustrate the kind of nonesense that gay people dealt with on a regular basis. There are still a lot of environments today where this kind of shit gets asked of gay, lesbian, trans and queer individuals on the daily, and since I was recently reminded about the Questionnaire, I thought I’d take it for you guys, just to keep it going around the Internet.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

I truly believe I was born boy crazy. I’ve always been utterly fascinated with men.

2. When and where did you decide you were a heterosexual?

John Laraway’s penis, 1989. We were four, we’d been playing in the mud and his mother threw us in the same bath. That was the day I decided what the rest of my life would be about.

3. Is it possible this is just a phase and you will out grow it?

I actually wonder this sometimes. Like, a woman as bohemian and intellectual as I am should have at least one hot and steamy lesbian romance, right?

4. Is it possible that your sexual orientation has stemmed from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Honestly, given my early experiences with men, you’d think that I’d be a prime candidate for neurotic lesbianism. I guess I just like bad boys. (That’s actually inaccurate, I enjoy sensitive nerds who do things like thank me after they fuck me senseless.)

5. Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends know- how did they react?

My parents remain unconvinced. But that could just be the glimmer of hope I see in their eyes. My friends are accepting of my heterosexuality, even if they don’t really understand it.

6. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it just possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

As much as I appreciate the idea of my life being a pansexual rampage wherein I swashbuckle my way through rivers of labia and over mountains of balls, I french kissed Patty Lester in 11th grade and decided that it could never be. I did it twice just to make sure, but the unfortunate conclusion is that her obvious femaleness was an absolute non-starter. Sorry Patty, we could have had it all.

For the record, her reaction was the same as mine. High school me isn’t running around frenching girls and going “NAH” while they cry.

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality… can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

I don’t have a quiet bone in my body.

There’s a dick joke in there somewhere. If I could only figure it out…

8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Because sex is the most fun I’ve ever had.

9. Why do heterosexuals try to recruit others into this lifestyle?

My heterosexuality is not evangelical. In fact, I encourage my friends to be gay because then we talk about dicks more.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual… Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

It depends. Are they Christians?

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

The thing about puzzles is that they are more fun to solve when they’re a little but complicated.

12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

It’s because life-long monogamous marriage is a societal construct that originates with trying to keep down STI rates.

13. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

Look, I gave it the old 11th grade try. I guess I’ll just have to suffer a lifetime of cocks.

14. Considering the menace of overpopulation how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

I’ve been saying this for years. We need more practicing, gold star homosexuals. And infertile heterosexuals.

15. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you feel that he or she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his or her leanings?

I actually did fire a therapist for pushing her rabid heterosexual agenda on me. Read more about that here.

16. There seem to very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to.

I’d say that out of all the things about me, my heterosexuality is the thing that’s given me the least amount of grief. It was only when I thought that I would never be loved, despite how much love I had to give that it really ever bothered me. Although that would have been the same if I weren’t straight. Loneliness is universal.

17. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Yeah. Now I just enjoy getting hit. It’s really opened up my sexual repertoire.

Just kidding. I never tried aversion therapy. The spanking fetish is probably a weird layover from my childhood abuse. Although I could just be wired that way. But probably not. The reality is that I’m probably reenacting the most traumatic moments of my childhood with my partner in an effort to re-contextualize the violence in a safe space where I am in control. But also it’s really fun.

Anyway, tomorrow we’re back to my life experiences Facebook series. Next up: drugs.