The Curious Incident of the Megaphone and the Mother-in-Law


For those of you who haven’t read those tweets, my review of Thích Nhat Hanh’s talk at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium, or the subsequant day’s post where I reiterate how much I hate LA and how I really super want to get the fuck out of here, there may or may not have been a shooting on my street last Saturday morning.

The facts of the case are this:

-At approximately 1:30 a.m. the motherfucking Hawthorne P.D. woke me up out of a dead sleep to let me and every neighbor in a two block radius know that they were attempting to convince someone to put their hands behind their back and get down on the ground. Why they couldn’t have said this directly to the suspect in question, and not to all of us asleep in our beds, I do not know.

-I immediately ran through the house to make sure that every person and animal was healthy and safe. Because when the cops show up, you have no fucking clue anymore.

-Then I got on twitter and checked for any news about my street, the cops, or Hawthorne in general. Got a face-full of some damn show Jada Pinkett Smith is on. Don’t Care. Meanwhile all my neighbors are talking all around me and playing music. Some of those crazy jerks are even outside watching the cops. But none of them are on twitter. Which is an outrage. It’s it supposed to be the new black CNN or something? (Seriously, read that article. If that writer isn’t a million years old and at least NPH levels of white, I’ll eat every hat I own. The phrase ‘Twitter Forums’ is in the title. The fucking title for balls sake!)

-I decided to brave the harsh, cop-filled reality of the outside so I could try to get the scoop. My kindly neighbor said she was waiting for her daughter to get home when she heard 3 gunshots, although she wasn’t specific as to exactly when those were. But she was also coming back from walking the dog, so she must not have been that concerned. Or she really hates that dog.

-After that I just sat on my couch refreshing Twitter, Reddit and the Hawthorne PD website to no avail. Eventually I did get back to sleep around 4:30 a.m.

-In the morning, I called the police department and they said that there was a report of shots fired, followed by a single arrest. I asked the woman on the other end of the line why they had to wake us all up. She said that it was only a general report and that she didn’t know. I also tried to reassure Ben’s mom that our neighborhood isn’t really that dangerous and make sure that she at least got some sleep, and she said that she knew she was safe as soon as the cops showed up. At first I thought she was joking. I mean, who in their right mind is relieved to see the cops? Trustworthy, honest women from the Pacific Northwest. That’s who. So of course I had to tell her about the dog they shot and how maybe the cops aren’t that trustworthy afterall. Because I am rain cloud and this is my purpose. To tell people that the things they believe in, like honor and justice and law enforcement are false and full of corruption. Did you know Gandhi was a misogynist? Now you do. Also, John Lennon was a wife-beating junkie.

-Of course, the reporter who does the local police reports was on vacation last week. Her vacation notice suggested we go to the LA Sheriff’s website with is just about the most difficult to navigate, slow-loading and broken piece of crap I’ve ever seen.

-I went to my local police website just now and learned nothing, except that they have a Pinterest. So there’s that.
Basically, the cops dropped by, fucked with my night and then left. And nobody but me seems to care. Sleep is a rare gift for me as it is. I really don’t appreciate it being interrupted for any reason. Especially not by cops.

Anyway, it’s Friday, so you know what that means! A new Jake and Jessica Poll. I can’t grantee it’ll be out on Monday, but it’ll be out next week, barring serious accident or injury. Unlike the other stories, I’ve been so busy this week I haven’t thought about them at all. So this should be interesting.

Since I’ll be out of the house at the usual close time, this poll closes at 2 p.m. PST Saturday, Oct 26, 2013.