Shout-out to Ben, for being my equal.

The third, fourth and fifth time I forgot to write a blog since I started week-daily posts have all happened in the same two-week span.

Like I said yesterday, and like I said those other times I forgot to blog, I am so overwhelmed with work and working that if I didn’t have deadlines and meetings, I would probably forget what day it is.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to add eating breakfast and lunch to my daily to do list because I was having that much trouble getting it done. I should probably add this blog to the list as well. And, thanks to having them on the list, I did eat both breakfast and lunch, I felt good all day, and went to sleep feeling totally accomplished and happy. It only occurred to me ten minutes ago that I forgot the blog.

Before Ben I was single for two years in order to get my head on right because before that, I had a habit of going after dudes I knew were less competent than me. Just like my grandmother, I needed someone to be the bad one. I needed some poor pothead to be the idiot I lowered myself to be with because I was so smart and driven that I didn’t want to have to take time to contend with an intellectual equal on top of mowing down anything that stood in my way. What an ego.

I am so glad I at least figured this much out, because if I had a stupid or incompetent partner right now, I would probably just die. I’d fall asleep behind the wheel, drift into oncoming traffic on the Sellwood Bridge, pitch over into the river and drown before I ever woke back up. Or, more likely, I’d wake up in mid-air think “it figures,” and die screaming.

If I had to worry about him or take on his shit, I just wouldn’t make it. And the same for him with my shit. I’m so grateful to know that he is a healthy adult with every advantage. If I had to mother him, or lead him in any way, this just wouldn’t work.

That being said, I do have my own issues with turning inward in times of stress. Any time I feel worried, or threatened, or I pull back from the world so that I can operate from a space of safety. This means that I regularly forget to talk to people, to look at them, to acknowledge them or touch them, even if they are my own boyfriend and we live in the same house and work in the same office.

I just put my headphones in, and my head down, and I don’t come up for air until it’s safe. It’s not a good habit. I’ve been pretty proactive in reaching out and making myself come up for air, but it still takes a lot of effort. So, if you know me, call me. I might ignore it, but I think I kind of need some people.