My Own Personal Shut Down

Today I spent the entire day in bed with the exception of the 5 miles I walked my dog, which I do everyday if I possibly can. It’s not her fault I’m an exhausted depressed mess.

One the one hand, I regard it as a good thing. I had a hard weekend that started Friday afternoon and ended Monday evening without much of a break for anything. For several weeks previous to that, I’d been up to grandma’s house every weekend, for several months before that there had been drama about what was going to happen with grandma, and for an entire year before that, my grandma’s been in and out of hospitals, nursing homes, and retirement communities while my uncle’s been remodeling her house and she’s been recovering from her first hip replacement. I’m rightfully exhausted.

On the other hand, I feel guilty for missing two days of work. It’s been pointed out to me that I do this thing where I pretend that everything I do has to be done as if I had nothing else going on. For example, I am under the impression that mitigating circumstances should never factor in to a decision making process.

This is a great tactic when a person is, say, a poverty stricken youth with two drug addict parents who would really like to go to college but can’t see how that would possibly be an option. Not so great when one is a grown up trying to juggle a new business and a chaotic family situation. Because what happens is that I try to ignore the fact that I am physically, mentally, spiritually drained and power through, only to find that I have exceeded my limits and then I pay for that overstepping by getting physically ill.

I am no longer in a situation where I get sick days. In order to minimize the impact my limitations have on my business, I need to take better care of myself right now that I have ever done before. So laying in bed all day today will, hopefully, ensure that I can actually function tomorrow. Because tomorrow, unlike today, I actually have shit to do.