How to Talk to Shitty People

I was having a conversation today that reminded me I have a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career, not just as a worker, but also as a shit magnet.

The years have been kind to me, sure, but I’ve also had my fair share of butthead ass-eaters to interact with. Not the least of which are my very own flesh and blood!

So, from me to you, here are a series of techniques for dealing with fuckheads.


How to

Limit your responses to five words or less. The varsity version of this technique is called two words or less.


Them: Something judgemental and passive-aggressive that makes you feel like maybe your whole entire fucking life is coming into question and if you don’t rip their face off and spit into their eye sockets, you’re just going to curl up on the floor and cry.

You: Okay.


How to

Sometimes we might think something is shitty when, in reality, it’s just true. If somebody called you a big old sack of crap, stop and ask yourself if you are a big old sack of crap. Maybe they weren’t being as kind as they could be, but if there’s truth in there, use it. It’s not every day you get your own problems illustrated for you in such an honest way.


Them: You’re a sack of crap.

You: Yeah, I can be. But I’m working on it, and I’m sorry if it ever caused you trouble, that wasn’t my intent.


How to

Statements are not questions. Sometimes, in friendly conversation with people who aren’t made of dick rot, you can answer a statement because you know that your real friends aren’t trying to trick you into the rhetorical equivalent of a hole filled with sharp pointy sticks and covered with leaves. However, deep in enemy territory, statements can be used as a sort of smoke screen to get you to give up valuable information that can then be used against you in the court of further ballsackery.


Them: I liked you better before you got fat.

You: [Silence punctuated by blinking. Maybe chewing if it’s on or around snack time.]


How to

This can be a rookie mistake, but it’s a great litmus test to figure out exactly what caliber of douche you’re dealing with. A reasonable person will apologize for upsetting you and try not to do it again. A low-grade bro-style douche will probably make fun of you for being a little bitch, but they will totally stop. (This is the camp I naturally fall into, if you were wondering what kind of douche I am.) An all-purpose anus will ignore the request, and an unmitigated labia-face will actually use the knowledge that you dislike a certain kind of behavior in order to fuck with you non-stop, either immediately, or at an as-yet unknown future date.


Them: I think that kicking the elderly is fun, and I do it whenever I can.

You: You talk a lot about doing violence to our aging population, probably America’s only remaining natural resource. Please stop.


How to

Tell them to fuck off.


Them: Hey you, long time no…

You: Fuck off.

Alternate phrasing

I’ve got a call on the other line; my calendar’s all booked up; I’m headed into a meeting; oh look, mini quiche!