Grandma Leaves Today

I’m writing this from Friday afternoon because my grandma leaves for Wisconsin on Monday. We’re helping load the moving van on Sunday, and I’m going up there later today to hang out, so I’ll probably be too wiped to prepare much from Monday’s post over the weekend.

As tense as it’s been so far, I have to admit I’m completely surprised by the extremely low levels of drama.

Which isn’t to say that I’m happy with it. In fact, I’m so freaked out that last night I dreamt that my mom and I finally had the massive screaming fight I’ve been worried about. In the dream I actually yelled back at her, something I haven’t done in real life for quite some time. I woke up with a sore throat.

Not from anything as drama as night-screaming. My allergies are acting up as the nights and mornings cool down.


Time warp. Now it’s Sunday night. I got too wrapped up in work and Grandma stuff to finish the post on Friday. I finally got my screaming fit. To be honest, it was generally underwhelming. I live-tweeted most of it.

My old hiding place aka a giant bush at the back of the yard that I would sit inside of as a kid when my grandfather went berserk. Sadly, the bush is mostly dead and Ben and I are fully grown fatties, so it didn’t provide the same Fortress of Solitude level of security it used to. But it did it’s job.

Eventually she left in a huff.

But then…

and then…

One thing I can say about my childhood home: It has no shortage of shit to hide in or behind. At one point, we were hiding inside of the studio when my uncle came in, walked right past us to get something, then was about to walk right past us again when we burst out laughing. He was like “were you guys hiding in here?” and we were like “fucking duh.”

After a while things seemed like they were calming down, but I realized that I couldn’t calm down myself. I kept looking over to where she was working, waiting for the next outburst. I couldn’t hang, so Ben and I left. I’m still going back up tomorrow to see grandma off.

This whole thing has been really stressful and tense. Emotions are high all around, and it’s hard to make sure I’m taking care of myself through all this. I slept about 3 hours Saturday night, and I haven’t been eating well either. Either I eat too little, or I eat junk food because I’m too busy to eat anything else.

I don’t know how to end this post. Despite how much I am saying, there are still a lot of things I’m not saying, mostly because I haven’t sorted them through enough in my own head. Family politics can be difficult to navigate in functional families, with all our collective issues, this shit gets really complicated.

I’m not even that mad or upset about my mom’s screaming fit today. That’s just what she does. I used to try and ignore her, or fight her, or engage with her, but I don’t see the use anymore. A person might as well try and fight the tide. It’s best to keep distance and in the event I have to be near her, have a clear escape route.