fucked in both ends with nothing to show for it

The last time I was this conflicted, it was drug induced. If I’m on drugs and I’ve forgotten, they should have worn off by now. I’m graduating in two months and I’m absolutely convinced that going to college is:

a) the stupidest, most expensive failure of my life

b) really awesome and I’m just anxious for “my real life” to start, which will be any day now. Any day at all.

I’m terrified about what’s coming after graduation. I don’t want to continue to do what I’m doing. A this point I don’t think I’d even accept a promotion at either of my jobs, not that they’re offering. I’m tired of books and libraries and the sheer volume of the debt that I’m going to be assuming exactly 6 months after May 19 has me shitting in my pants. On top of that, I’m having all these collegiate worries about “my authentic self” and the dangers of selling out verses the benifits of buying in. Frankly, I think I’m being a little immature and part of me is saying “fuck your authentic self, a job’s a job. Grab that fat cash.” And of course the rest of me is yelling “what fat cash you imbecile, you majored in literature!!!!” I’m fucked. I’m so fucking fucked.

My podcast, on the other hand, has been re-named (I Love Lard) and is receiving a lot of my nervous energy so if you want more of me whining and crying, and also some weird commentary give it a listen.