Food Diary

So I guess you’ve heard. Hot young lady founders of trendy up-and-coming companies have started posting their food diaries for the likes of Elle, and Elle. Being a hot young lady founder myself, I thought I’d give you guys a little peek at my daily food journey.

UPON WAKING

I make every effort to wake up as close as physically possible to when I have to leave the house at 8am because I find that the heart-pounding excitement of showering in three minutes or less while largely unconscious is as good a morning work-out as any.

PRE-BREAKFAST

Occasionally, I’ll drink ardent gulps of water straight out of the detachable shower-head while I rinse the sleep gunk out of my eyelashes. Because I’m a multi-tasker.

BREAKFAST

Most days, breakfast is chewing gum and regurgitated stomach acid. A tradition lovingly passed down to me by my father, who learned it from his mother, and probably her mother before her, but we don’t know who that is. However, a rare excursion to far away Beaverton and a quaint little market Bazar the locals called “Kost-Co” had me coming home with two industrial-sized boxes of Nature Valley Protein Bars and Stretch Island Fruit Leathers, which I tend to slap back to back and devour in as few bites as possible while negotiating morning traffic and breathing at the same time. It’s this unique daily oxidizing process that keeps me looking youthful and feeling positive as I power-fuck the rest of my day.

LUNCH

On gum days, I stagger out of the office in a caffeine-induced haze. At this point I have about 27 seconds to shove a drive-through burger in my face before all that cold coffee I drank between meetings comes flying back into the world with such a violence that it adds yet another reason on the very long and exhaustively researched list of why I won’t be having my own biological children. What I’m trying to say here is that everything that comes out of me does so at the relative speed of a Spring Break t-shirt cannon these days.

I know the right answer would be to chew the food while I eat it, but that is just not going to happen with me ever.

SNACK

If I’m fortunate enough to be driving from meeting to meeting, I chew another piece of gum while I drive. This helps with road rage. I keep the bag of partially eaten McDonald’s from lunch on the passenger side floor so that I can spit my gum into it while I’m parking at my client’s office. It’s really easy to do and it keeps your carpets from getting covered in gross gum.

DINNER

I usually text back and forth with my partner regarding who has time to drive by Taco Bell, or whether or not Nut-Thins can go bad. Sometimes I get lucky and whatever work-thing I’m headed to at dinner time has free appetizers.

FITNESS

Multiple times between when we get home at 10pm and when we go to sleep at 1am, our 5-year old rat terrier, Pepper Martinez will demand to be let outside and then make us stand in the cold while she doesn’t potty because she is silently punishing us for not walking her enough. A fate we completely embrace because we deserve it. We are terrible dog parents.

DESERT

At our house, togetherness is important, so we like to silently chew handfuls of gummy bears while watching Drunk History before falling asleep side by side on the couch.

BEFORE BED

Listerine is basically a sleep aid.