Female Masturbation Techniques

I asked Twitter what I should write about:

mikesmith916: @Marinaisgo Your plans for the year? Current list of people that the world needs to send Mars without proper planning?
moopigmoo: @Marinaisgo Blog about female masturbation technique.
mikesmith916: @Marinaisgo @moopigmoo‘s idea is much better.

I feel a bulleted list coming on.

  • Humping a pillow..
  • Humping your palm
  • Humping anything, really.
  • The Hang Ten: middle 3 fingers inside the vagina with the thumb and pinky serving as both a push off point and a stabilizing force while the heel of the palm stimulates the clitoris through constant pressure.
  • The DJ Hero: Using 2 or 3 fingers to stimulate the clitoris in a circular motion, while using the other hand to play with breasts and nipples.
  • Rollin’ with the Homies: Using all of the fingers to stroke the entire vulva in a repetitive, up and down motion.
  • The Jackhammer: Fingerfucking oneself with 2 or 3 fingers in a steady rhythm. This only works if you are not too fat, and/or you have fairly long arms.
  • Bad Girl: Slapping or patting the vulva or clitoral area once or twice in quick succession.
  • Girl Fight: Pulling pubic hair.
  • The Houdini: Bringing oneself to orgasm by constricting and releasing the pelvic floor muscles and nothing else.
  • Terrorist Fist Hump: You know it’s serious when you’re fisting yourself.
  • Tainted Love: Reaching behind or around with the secondary hand and playing with one’s asshole.
  • Vibrator, applied to the clitoral tissue. Contrary to popular belief, a vibrator should not be used as a dildo, although sometimes the fastest way to get to the clitoral nerve mass is from the inside.
  • Dildos, in my experience need to be a few inches longer than your favorite dick length in order make good use of leverage.
  • Butt plugs are not just for gays ladies. I have been told, and have come to believe (through careful experimentation) that when constant pressure is applied to the anus, vagina and clitoris, a woman can experience a sustained orgasm several minutes long.
  • Combo Platter: Using toys and manual stimulation simultaneously.
  • Some girls say that the rhythm of riding a horse has done it for them. I rode horses and never experienced that, but then again, I almost always rode bareback. Maybe it has something to do with the saddle
  • Sitting on the washing machine or dryer. Again, I tried in vain to figure out what the thrill was, but for the life of me it never worked.
  • Positioning one’s vagina directly under the flow of water as it comes out of bathtub spigot.  Another one I never mastered.
  • Hand-held adjustable speed shower head. Yet another masturbation technique that’s lost on me.
  • Any combination of these things.

I’m sure that I missed some things, I really encourage you guys to add to the list. I think this’ll be fun.

Editor’s Note: Hello from August 2013. More than three years after I wrote this post, it is still the most popular thing on this blog, and I find myself extremely curious about all you female masturbation fans. At first, I thought that the majority of visitors were looking for porn and got disappointed, which is probably true.

According to my analytics, people spend less time on this page than on the rest of my site. But, I know there have to be some of you who read this thing the whole way through, and I’d really like to hear from you. Did you find this page helpful? It was mostly made in the spirit of fun, although all the moves are totally legit technique that I’ve ether done or heard about. Were you looking for something more serious? Less serious? More Educational? If you’ve made it this far, please leave me a comment and let me know. [Due to spam issues, comments are now closed, but hit me up on Twitter or Facebook.]


5 Replies to “Female Masturbation Techniques

  1. I’m so glad someone else has never figured out the water thing. I have no idea how its meant to work and I usually end up cold and uncomfortable trying.

  2. It seems to me that you’re much more about internal vaginal stimulation than any woman I’ve ever been with. Most are all about direct (or nearly direct) clitoral stimulation.

  3. I was not directed here by a search engine so I was not looking for anything in particular, but I will say this was funny, legitimately informative, and somewhat reminiscent of my teenage years.

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