Embarrassed to Death

This is one of the custom blogs I do for my Facebook friends. I asked

“I kind of want to blog about some event from my life (sexual firsts, most embarrassing, near death, drug experiences, feminist ah-ha moments, etc) but I’m having trouble picking. Facebook friends, which ones would you like?”

Mike asked for “most embarrassing near death experience”

Oh God.


So I was about 12 or 13, basically way too old to be doing this kind of shit, and my grandma left me in her car with the keys while she went into the store to get something. Me being me, I decided that it was time to invent a new extreme sport: window racing. The premise of the game is that you stick your head completely outside of the car, then roll up the electric window and try to gauge on sound alone when to pull your head back inside the car for a dramatic save. It was the most boring game I’ve ever played.

The thing that made it a near-death experience (although it still barely qualifies) is that I slipped, fell, windowed myself in the throat at full speed (for both the window and my head), and then I leaned all my weight on the “up” toggle of the window controls, which dragged me up with it, crushing out what little air I had left in my recently traumatized wind-pipe. I don’t think I was ever in any real danger, but I do notice that you have to physically pull up on every window switch made after the nineties, which happens to be when that van was made. Eventually, I stopped panicking long enough to reverse the window and release my idiotic head from the danger I myself had put it in. I never did tell my grandma what I’d done. It hurt for awhile.

Runners up:

-All the times I joyfully, suicidally threw myself into any available body of water before I learned how to swim.
-All the times I tried to balance furniture on my face in high school.
-All the times I’ve fallen asleep while in the process of driving a car (although that’s more shameful than merely embarrassing.)