Dreaming of Balance

So, I went camping this weekend, it was cool, got a lot of sleep actually. I used to stay up all night Friday and Saturday, and be wrecked for a whole week afterwards, but I went to Arizona last weekend, and I’m going to San Diego next weekend, and I knew I had three weeks worth of questions on three different books I didn’t read waiting for me at home, so I took the time to rest up.

Instead of doing homework, I got a really bad allergy attack, took a short nap, and went to a gathering for someone I know who moved away but was back in town for a weekend. After that, I was ready to do the work, but my new roommate, Julia, ran over a opossum, and thought that it wasn’t dead, so we got on the internet and looked for the opossum rescue place, and I decided that as long as I’m here, I should at least check my e-mail, then I decided that I should at least look at my livejournal, and an hour later, here I am still.

Lately, I’ve been having this fantasy about when I finish college, and get a job. I’m going to have a nice boring life filled with healthy food and exercise and sleep. That’s probably not going to happen, though. This summer, when my boss wouldn’t increase my hours even though I wasn’t in school, instead of taking the time to rest and catch up on some reading, I started a business, went back to writing my novel, and got really cranky, which is proof that I can’t fucking stay still, I must always be in constant, frantic motion till I’m at the brink of a nervous break-down in order to sleep at night. I thrive on chaos. For example, right now, I’m so busy that I can’t keep my head on straight, I’m making myself sick, and I’m so scatter-brained that I often miss the turn I have to take to get to school, and end up in another city before I realize what I’m doing, but I’m so insanely happy, that I’m always dancing and singing at work, and I just feel alive. However, it turns bad when I can’t keep the balance up, like when I have an assignment due, like the one I have tomorrow, it turns into the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I get really really sick, and have to take a day off, like I’m going to end up doing tomorrow in order to finish it. Or, I just don’t sleep at all the night before it’s due, and have to take a day off after that in order to catch up on sleep. And the worst part about that is, I don’t even use the day for rest, I’ll sleep a little and then fill orders or clean or do other homework the rest of the day, so I return just as fucked up as I was the day before. But, like I said, anything less and I can’t sleep, and I feel useless. Someday, I’ll figure out the balance, I suppose there are worse things one can be than whatever the fuck I am.