Die Hard Liveblog

In honor of my favorite action hero, John Fucking McClane, today’s post was a liveblog of my Die Hard viewing party that kicked off at 7:30 p.m. PST at my house in Hawthorne, as well as on my Ustream channel.

Here’s the video of the livestream, best watched at the same time the movie is going on since I’m mostly making faces and typing on the other window. Oh, and eating pizza and chastising my dog for begging.

Video streaming by Ustream

Yes, I know, I need more lights. But lights don’t grow on trees people.

Let’s get this party started! We have no one in attendance and no one online!

“I’m 9 months pregnant, should I drink alcohol? I know, I’ll ask my corporate overlord.”

“Lucy McClane is adorable! Just think, 20 short years from now, she’s going to be punching bitch cunts in their fat faces for disrespecting her father.”

“You got VCR in this motherfucker? High tech!”

“Remember when companies used to come to Los Angeles instead of fleeing?”

Ah the 80’s, when the maids were Mexican and the side kicks were black kids with ridiculous names.

“Get off when you hear the noise” The noise is a terrible, tortured scream. They don’t tell you this, but the noise is a tortured scream. Nakatome company makes torture devices.

“Where are you staying?” … because you’re not fucking staying with me.

“John! No fighting in front of the secretary! She’ll be in therapy for years”

A Ford and a Mercedes in the same movie. Product placement, you have robbed us of manufacturer diversity.

Alan Rickman! Weirdest boner.

The 80’s is really the last time anybody could be really normal looking in the media.

“You know the number, use it.” Argyle don’t take shit.

Before the days of alarmed stairwell doors.

Nakatome is going to try to fix the freeway system, that proves they’re not bad!

“I thought you guys were going to murder me for moral reasons. You just want my money, you lied!!”

“Can you break the code?”
“You didn’t bring me along for my charming personality”
No, white talking black guy, we never bring you along for any reason except to die later and prove we’re mean.

Be careful John, German transman Ellen Degenerous is here to shoot you to sleep.

I like to think that if John McClane went up against The Silence, all the marks on his arm would be kills.

LAPD’s stellar performance remains the same all these years later. How they manage to keep such high standards is beyond me.

Hey look, it’s Burce Willis’ biggest fan.

Good thing they got the fat guy machine gun strap extractors, am I right?

And the best thing about this amazing conference table is that it is one way bullet proof. For the discerning executive.

Don’t worry news-watching public, Troy McClure is on the case

“His bag is missing.” And that shit was Prada!

“We have a pregnant woman out there, she’s really hot, and you know that she pokes…”

“Sir, it’s Argyle, I’m half drunk and I just had phone sex with my lady in the back of this limo, but I’m ready to help in any way that I can”

Paul Gleason: Playing incompetent white bosses since forever.

“The police have themselves an RV”
It’s a Winnebago, they’re all going to Yosemite later.

“It wasn’t the police, it was HIM”

Watching that coke head get shot is complete wish fulfillment for anybody who’s ever had to talk to someone on cocaine when they’re not on cocaine.

“He might be a cop, we’re checking on that”
“One of yours?”
“Certainly not, ours can’t do anything right.”

That terribly decade before safety glass, but after bombs.

A sudden wind picks up in the depths of the Nakatome vault…

“Al, I want you to find my wife, I want you to tell her that I fucked a ton of other bitches in New York”


“We’re both professionals, but this is personal” This is a lesson to never let a personal situation affect your professionalism. Or else you’re going to get chain socked by John McClane

“I’m no your side, you assholes!”
Nobody’s on the FBI’s side, John

You know, HR said that the ornamental pond was too much, but now I’m glad we went the extra mile.

Oh noooo, this terrible green screen is eating me eeeeaaaatttiiinggg meeeee

The Die Hard 2 party will be on Wednesday, Die Hard 3 on Thursday, and on Saturday we’ll watch Die Hard 4 at my house followed by a journey to the theater for Die Hard 5. Of course we won’t be broadcasting the movie, but you can watch along with us on your on copy. Amazon Instant Video also has a 24-hour rental for $2.99

Next week we’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming.