Ben found this article about 15 honest questions the person you marry should be able to answer. We don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage, but we’ll play along.
1. Why do you love me?
Ben: I mean, to really get into that I would have to define what love is and get into that criteria, because if I didn’t, any answer I gave would just be bullshit. When people ask this question, they’re only playing into the narrative of love and romance that the culture demands that they have. Love is an experience, it’s not a set of qualities.
Marina: It’s probably a chemical reaction to sleeping next to you for 11 years. Also, you never cheated on me or hit me without permission.
Ben: When you tell someone why you love them, you’re usually just making a list of why you think they’re a good person. But someone can be a good person without you loving them. Like, why do I love the dog? Not because she’s a better dog than other dogs, she’s actually not. I love her because she’s mine.
Marina: (nods)
Ben: Are we going to have time to do all of these? It’s taken us 10 minutes to do one.
Marina: It’s taken you 10 minutes to do one.
2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?
Marina: I honestly don’t contemplate spending the rest of my life with you. It’s kind of petty to make a 60-year promise you have no way of knowing you’ll keep on the strength of 11 good years. Literally anything could happen. I don’t feel comfortable thinking in terms of lifetimes here.
Ben: It seemed like a good idea at the time. And I don’t mean to be cavalier. As of this moment, that honestly seems like the best option.
3. Will you do your best to keep the romance alive?
Ben: No (giggles).
Marina: Romance is for people who need to be coerced into dick sucking.
4. Will you grow with me, and not away from me?
Marina: Who can say?!
Ben: Babe, I’ve been growing with you since we met. Like, at least five inches.
5. Will you stick through the rough times?
Ben: There are going to be more?
Marina: Well, yeah. Life is kind of a constant barrage of suffering so…
6. Are you willing to lose some battles in order to keep the peace?
Marina: What does that even mean?
Ben: I do that all the time, dear. That’s the definition of my “Marina coping strategy.”
Marina: I still have no idea what this means.
7. Can you promise to put us ahead of everything else?
Ben: No. Finding the 6-fingered man who killed my father is more important.
Marina: Like breathing? Hard pass.
8. Will you be a great parent?
Marina: I honestly have some really serious fears that I won’t be.
Ben: Yes, I will be a great parent. And if I’m not, I will find a better parent, kill him, eat his heart, and gain his power.
9. Will you be sure to remind me how much you love me regularly?
Ben: I tell you I love you all the time, but if you need to be constantly reassured that I love you, then we have much bigger problems.
Marina: Yeah, this question is dumb. I tell you I love you because I love you. Not because I need to make sure your ego is stroked.
10. Can you promise to do all you can to keep that spark alive?
Marina: We do have a duty to protect the Allspark.
Ben: Sometimes it gets windy… you need to add that this is a joke about you farting.
11. Will you support me if I can’t support myself?
Ben: I don’t know, you’re kind of fat.
Marina: And your arms are like impotent old man dicks.
Ben: Damn.
12. Will you promise to continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?
Ben: Possibly to the detriment of our relationship, yes.
Marina: I’m already doing that, so… same?
13. Will you not allow yourself to let go?
Marina: What?
Ben: It’s about getting fat.
Marina: Too late.
14. If I’m the first to go, will you be there with me until the end?
Ben: I will sexually caress your cooling corpse, but only because I know that’s what you’d want.
Marina: You know me so well.
15. Can you promise me that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?
Marina: …and eat for the both of us
Ben: I’m already planning who to fuck.
There you have it. Please, take these answers to heart and make sure you model your own unique adult relationship(s) on exactly what we said here, no more no less. You wouldn’t want to be incompatible, would you?!