The morning after Thanksgiving I woke up excited. Not just for leftovers, or the fact that I get Friday off work. I woke up excited for one of my favorite ever holiday traditions: Reading social media for people’s crazy family posts.
I don’t know what it is, maybe the therapy is finally kicking in, maybe your mother in law figured out your twitter name, or maybe you were just too drunk to find your phone, but out of the 221 people that I follow, only one person had an interesting Thanksgiving tweet, and that was my own sweet boyfriend, and it was about me!
Pretty traditional Thanksgiving: Invite over a bunch of people we’re not related to and watch Turkish wrestling on @marinaisgo phone.
— Ben Bateman (@benspants) November 23, 2012
I can’t quit you, Turkish oil wrestling.
So, in the spirit of the season, and in order to fulfill my holiday drama needs, I did some extensive searching for the best of the Thanksgiving tweets. Here they are, the fruits of my labor in chronological order, not just for your reading pleasure, but as an example for the kind of good work I expect going forward into Christmas, Chaunnaka, Kwanza, and all other seasonal festivities.
My uncle is gettin released from jail and he said he has a bottle of toilet wine that his husband made. Cant wait to try it at #Thanksgiving
— Kevin Stout™ (@daddydongleg) November 20, 2012
Now that I’m part of a blended family I can spend Thanksgiving yelling “You’re not my real dad!”I’ll yell it at food and pets too.
— Jordan_Morris (@Jordan_Morris) November 21, 2012
My cousin was caught fucking the turkey #thanksgiving
— SYN|MC|?_?? (@honzogonzo) November 22, 2012
Happy thanksgiving. Eat, drink, yell at your family, drink more, cry, and then come home to give your diabetic beagle his insulin. Amen
— Roy(@TheRoyLRumble) November 22, 2012
turkey fell out the oven into the dogs throw-up. Im like WTF! Grandma fainted, squad car is late gettin her. Happy Thanksgiving
— Matt Burkley (@MatttyBeans) November 22, 2012
I am unclear as to why you need a squad car to retrieve your unconscious grandma, but it sounds like a fun time anyway.
Black kid asked her mother if “…gay people have Thanksgiving, too?” after seeing me look all cute and luggage-free on the bus. Duh, child!
— Ahmad Bilal (@FlatbushCtyLmts) November 22, 2012
— Jenny Mollen (@jennyandteets) November 22, 2012
If you’re gay, make sure you exclaim it at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Even if you’re out already, just do it.
— Marioooo (@supitsmario) November 22, 2012
yeah the best thanksgiving was def when one of our family members brought a friend and her glass eye fell out and rolled on the ground
— Morgan Nicole Miller (@MorganicMiller) November 22, 2012
Id really like to make it through one Thanksgiving without grandma lighting her chest hair on fire while making the gravy.
— Discoken (@discoken) November 22, 2012
An hour into thanksgiving and two people are already bleeding. We made it longer than usually. Good job guys! Lol
— Erica Downard (: (@Erica_Downard) November 22, 2012
Here at Barb’s Thanksgiving Party dodging questions about post-graduation and taking shots in the closet with the dog.
— JONATHAN ? COKER (@slagsavant) November 22, 2012
— Emily Yates (@EmmyShmemmy) November 22, 2012
Wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without getting hit on by my grandpa.
— counter breadstick (@katiehoner) November 23, 2012
Best text I have gotten from Thanksgiving Day from my friends brother: “My toenail fell off because I kicked an armadillo.” #nowords
— Marie Grundhoefer (@mgrundy6861) November 23, 2012
My Thanksgiving1.Got to stab myself with epipen2.Got to ride in ambulance3.Got to eat popsicles @ hospital for 8 hours #foodallergies
— Taylor Cotton (@TaylorCotton1) November 23, 2012
The Popsicles really made this tweet for me. Other people went into anaphylactic shock and were taken away in ambulances, but none of them seemed quite so cheerful about it.
Thanksgiving dinner more like watch the adults get drunk and scream at each other about unions
— Michael Smith (@whateverhaley) November 23, 2012
Just took my first post Thanksgiving dump and for the life of me I don’t recall eating three helpings of blood.
— John Tole (@JohnTole) November 23, 2012
I want to give the biggest Thanksgiving thank you to the EMT in the ambulance tonight who saved my life for a second time.
— Lauren Carrell (@LaurenCarrell) November 23, 2012
I’m assuming that the first time happened during the same ordeal, but what if it didn’t? What if this is something they do every year?
its not thanksgiving til relatives get drunk and yell about politicss..seriously my uncle started crying and they had to leave #lmao
— Emily Song (@songbuuurrd) November 23, 2012
My thanksgiving ended with me saying to my aunt:you’re a whore, surprise your daughter is pregnant,your husband snorts dope and my bf is gay
— TaRTLeTTe (@ReDHeaDeDTaRT) November 23, 2012
I did some digging on this one. She means her best friend is gay, not her boyfriend, which was what I first thought when I read it.
Everyone enjoyed my broccoli casserole, however.
— TaRTLeTTe (@ReDHeaDeDTaRT) November 23, 2012
Well, that’s good.
This is the same aunt that fainted at thanksgiving 3years ago but was chewing gum but wouldn’t respond lol
— Marla Babyyyy (@dayum_Fine) November 23, 2012
i dont usually tweet personal things but i barfed up everything i ate on thanksgiving and i cant stop throwing up someone help i feel dead
— chris-tea? (@tomlinsalad) November 23, 2012
I’d like to say i’m not the type to date a chick who’d stab me with a fork at Thanksgiving dinner but it’s just not true. That’s kinda hot.
— NickySingz (@nickysingz) November 23, 2012