Spoiling Your Movie with Masturbation Anecdotes

WARNING: If you want to see Looper, and haven’t seen it yet, I completely, utterly spoil the ending of this film. So turn away. Oh, also I speak frankly about the universal habit of masturbation. Don’t get freaked.

So, I’ve talked about sex on this blog before (please see examples here, here and here.) It’s not like I’m afraid of a topic that is vital to the life experience of the vast majority of humanity. But sometimes I worry. We live in such a sex-phobic society, it would probably go over better if I talked about wanting to beat someone to a pulp rather than fuck them ’til they came. It’s so ridiculous. But I know you guys are forward thinkers. You’re not stodgy establishment hypocrites who think sex is taboo while murder is entertainment. Which is why, I feel safe to tell you that I may or may not have climaxed thinking about the scene in Looper where Joseph Gordon-Levitt blows a hole in his chest and dies.

It wasn’t intentional. As you know, I have issues with insomnia, and a nice quick jerk session is usually just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes, it works too well and I end up falling asleep before the bombs go off, which is fine, sleep was my goal anyway. But sometimes I fall asleep, but not all the way, so my mind wanders down some strange and scary alley ways while my body carries on without me. Which is exactly what happened.

I was thinking of the various time paradoxes in the movie, and right when I was sleepily contemplating the amazing cinematography of the suicide scene (really, the whole movie is just art. Every. Single. Scene) my body decided that was the most appropriate time for its own beautiful scene. Then I fell asleep.

It didn’t occur to me until the next morning that there might be something inherently disturbing in the fact that I managed to saunter off to dreamland with the mental stimulus of Levitt’s overly make-upped muppet head snapping back against the impact of the shot while the camera pans through the artfully flying dust and debris to settle on in front of Willis as he anxiously blinks out of existence. Part of me thinks that, as far as climactic moments go, this one is actually one of the tamer ones I’ve had in my long lifetime. Maybe I’m only bothered because I think JGL is fucking adorable, like a precious baby kitten. I mean, it is a really well constructed scene. Maybe this is the true nexus of my intense action/sci-fi love. Maybe we should have seen this coming. Ah Hem.

What did I say? Muppet-ness.

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So I showed this post to Ben before I published it, just to make sure it wasn’t wildly inappropriate, and this is what he wrote me back:

Benjamin: “Sex is such a murkey subject that it would probably go over better if I talked about wanting to beat someone to a pulp rather than fuck them ’til they came.”
for you i don’t think that’s an either/or proposition

Me: it’s not
but let’s at least pretend I’m not a total psychopath

Benjamin: i think you should include my hypothesis that you find heroic sacrifice sexually arousing

Me: oh
good get-out of jail card

Benjamin: ha ha ha
exactly

Me: makes me look very normal

Benjamin: you’re not a monster: you’re a paragon of humanity
we should all aspire to nut to the same things you do

Me: LOL
Instead of doing the thing you said, I’m just pasting this into the blog