So… I’m a big fat idiot. I wrote down the wrong number, and that’s why I thought my dad’s phone had been changed. Opps. Anyway, there is no longer trauma in teenville tonight.
Coming home always puts me in a wierd mood coz I never want to leave, but everytime I go I have to remind myself why it’s important to go to college, and how I can’t just chill in a garage forever, and then I start thinking about the future, and how life is so cool right now that I just don’t want it to end, but I can see it coming everytime I go back to school. Adulthood is a beast. I’m afraid of getting uptight, caring about posessions too much, not being able to be free, but those things are coming weather I get educated or not. So, it’s like choosing the lesser of two evils and trying to keep my head. Just like I was trying to tell Tyler this morning, a person can see the same damn situation in so many different ways that it becomes a matter of choice: see good or see bad, detect failure or detect victory. Besides, I’m becoming prematurely obnoxious over something that wont happen for years if it happens at all.
Also lending to my frustration is something my mom said this morning. She made a comment about how I’ve been loosing weight, like it was an accomplishment, but the reason for the weight loss is that I’m not eating right, but she unintentionally equates weight loss with happiness. It made me feel slightly sick. I’ve said this in another entry, but being attractive by societies standards negates any other thing that a woman can be, and I’m not gonna be the rosa parks of smart thin bitches thanksmuch. There was a time when I would have killed (probably myself) just to be ten pounds thinner, and then just five more, then just until I get under 100, and even an apple was too much to be allowed to digest, and I thought I was soo gross. And I was, but in the completely opposite way then in my head. It took so long and was soo hard to get away from that, I don’t want to lose weight. Overweight and creative and smart, and funny is so much better than that just five more pounds, shit I was before. Coz that’s all I was made of, and I don’t get how anyone could act like it’s a thing to celebrate, going back in that direction. At first I tried to ignore it when people said I looked thinner, but now more people are commenting, and I’m just so afraid to get near that person I was before that it freaks me the fuck out. She really bummed me out with that trip, and this is supposed to be the happiest part of the week. I suppose I could also apply that whole perspective thing to this situation too, and just be able to be eternally grateful I got out of that place when I could, coz my poor mother’s still stuck there, and that’s got to be so awful. If I had to go through that, at least I came out being able to see things the way I see them now, and identify that which harms me.