As you might imagine, last night was big for much-contested evil empire cabhack start-up Uber. Less so for friendly underdog Lyft, but they made a showing as well.
And my uber driver last night hit either a dog, a wooden table, or a person. Whoever the owner was played it off like nothin happened. Crazy
— Adam Luhrs (@Luhrsmania) January 1, 2015
I be getting faded with my uber driver
— Mr.Digger ?? (@Fvck_AJ) January 1, 2015
My @lyft Driver: "Wow. There are a lot of smells coming off you." Happy New Year.
— Bryan Lynn Marquis (@BryanlMarquis) January 1, 2015
— Reilly (@thatdudereilly) January 1, 2015
Tried to fight everyone, haven't drank in 4 months, got too drunk and told my dad he looked like a possum. HAPPY 2015 Y'all
— Cydneyy (@CydneyBartlett) January 1, 2015
Some one really tried to fight me over chicken last night.
— Rud Scofield (@RGdefined) January 1, 2015
Just woke up in a dumpster, with glitter on my balls and a pencil stuck in my thigh – good night I am guessing. I hope. Happy New Year!
— Duncan Whitehead (@DuncanWhitehead) January 1, 2015
Update: The homeless man who was snorting sugar inside Starbucks said I was dressed just fine. #HappyNewYear
— Alyssa Hayden (@aKhayden7) January 1, 2015
The drunk kid at the party tried to fight me last night then kissed me on the neck and walked away like what?
— zack wayne (@zackisacat) January 1, 2015
The old bait and switch.
My uber driver gave me his phone to call my mom and I cried while leaving her a voicemail cause I really thought that was the end of my life
— Jacqueline Billy (@billyjacq) January 1, 2015
This girl takes “new year new you” very seriously.
If your new year doesn't start with a naked, pole-dancing drag queen, you're not doing it right. Happy 2015! @BGWMC
— Catherine Ellis (@Catherinellis) January 1, 2015
Look, when I said "new year, new me" I just meant I was gonna start shaving my balls.
— D.J. (@Drinkmorebooze) January 1, 2015
I'm going to dedicate 2015 to my Uber driver this morning who just fucking loves Coldplay, and no one can take that away from Kamal.
— Boofrog (@dasboofrog) January 1, 2015
I don't know how to feel about a picture of my balls being on Twitter after New Year's Eve … Your a bastard @chaazsmith
— G (@GeorgeRadley97) January 1, 2015
Gonna have to delete the tweet of the balls to save my friend ship ????????
— Charlie Smith (@chaazsmith) January 1, 2015
A true friend will delete your balls from his Twitter stream, no matter how many faves they got.
Jesus last night I was so drunk that I passed out in my friends vomit & had a couple hooking up on the bed I was sleeping in????
— Victoria (@vinylharry) January 1, 2015
I don’t know what kind of friend will let you stay passed out in somebody’s vomit so they can fuck in the bed you’re in.
//My mum just told me that i was so drunk that i gave one of her friends a lap dance. WHAT THE FUCK
— David Williams (@Book_Of_Life_) January 1, 2015
You know you’re drunk when you’re mom-friend lap-dancing drunk.
To the girl who stepped on my foot with her heels and then tried to fight me for keeping her from falling: I hope you step on a Lego, bitch.
— ?? Queen Elsa ?? (@pinkypopsicle) January 1, 2015
Maria mom tried to fuck me 4 times yesterday ????????????
— VIRGIN?? (@_rickycrazzzie) January 1, 2015
Everybody wants to go to Maria’s party.
Everyone gets engaged I get to ride in a police car …who's really winning here?#me
— Angharad John (@Hazzy_09) January 1, 2015
My Uber driver is giving me relationship advice, and goals for 2015.
— Precious O. (@Precious_I61) January 1, 2015
Someone pulled a gun out on me last night. That's why I don't go to Columbus parties.
— Miah (@killmiah) January 1, 2015
Started this year off taking Fireball shots in front of the Rocky steps with my Uber driver who bought me Starbucks. Best year ever?
— Kate Phillips (@donthatekate21) January 1, 2015
So far in 2015 my uber driver helped me hop a fence.
— Adrian Lee (@AdrianCLee) January 1, 2015
“Assisted with B&E 4.5 stars”
How you just gon make a toast with a nigga who pulled a knife on us. Lol.
— NIO (@_kingnio) January 1, 2015
First kiss of the New Year was from a drag queen named James. 2015 is going to be a great year, guys. ????
— mr. brightside (@CarrissaAnn) January 1, 2015
I am so jealous.
I was so drunk that my Uber driver had to walk me to my door.
— William H. Holla (@YOUNGCEOO) January 1, 2015
What kind of tip do you give for that?
Got brutally drunk, started crying, taken home in a police car. Standard night out really
— William Gunter (@WilliamGunter1) January 1, 2015
besides the fact that niggas pulled out guns & tried to fight my boo. tonight was fun & i brought it in with the ones closest to me????
— belsie (@belsie_) January 1, 2015
i did his makeup ???????? RT pic.twitter.com/AWk7gIDlh9
— Tay (@Tayrhae19) January 1, 2015
Back in my day, we just put a dick on a motherfucker’s face.
Kissed my uber driver. Got drunk as fuck at electric circus. Ate whataburger.had a good ass night
— Florida livin??LAN (@LaithanNorris) January 1, 2015
Dumbass racist Desi kid got belligerently drunk, blamed the Jews for 9/11, tried to fight some Jewish kid and broke 3 different windows.
— Tina Fey (@kakhaaaaaan) January 1, 2015
I started a new year with a good deed. Called an ambulance for some random asian kid who pissed himself and was laying in his throw up
— Boi Boi (@6sneaker1head7) January 1, 2015
There was a car accident, someone tried to fight someone, someone got hit by a car it was crazy
— GriffinForce (@afbaustin) January 1, 2015
I am confused about the order of events. Was there one car accident or two?
Bitches are pregnant AF, but still wanna be in the club for new years ???? thats ratchet & disrespectful to ya unborn!
— June 11th, 2015 ? (@DOPEST_90sBaby) January 1, 2015
So apparently my tio Ricky is banned from Applebee's bc he pulled a knife out on someone
— strange magic (@wind0wtears) January 1, 2015
Meredith tried to fight a pizza delivery man tonight.
— Erin Bivens (@ErinBivens) January 1, 2015
Also the one police car I saw on a 40 minute drive was driving in circles in a parking lot so.. Way to go police ????
— amy (@xthecityx) January 1, 2015
A Mexican tried to stab me last night lol
— Matt Licher (@mattlicher) January 1, 2015
Were you by chance at Applebees?
Casually invited my uber driver into my house
— rachdaszkal (@radrachhhhh) January 1, 2015
I'm so drunk that I ate dark chocolate with out knowing it was dark chocolate
— Neel Mehta (@Neelmehta22) January 1, 2015
HAPPY NEE YR HOPE YALL STARTED BETTER THEN MINE FELL OFF A CHARI TAKING A GROUP SELFIE AND NOW BOTH MY KNEE ARE SWOLLEN!
— samantha quesnel (@samanthaquesne2) January 1, 2015
Shout out to the white girls that date lightskins, Latinas as well, happy new year
— HeySkitzo (@_iGetsBucketss) January 1, 2015
And a shout out to you as well, sir.
— kevin will mckay (@Kevinsstory) January 1, 2015
Shout out to the biggest pile of garbage I know @andyphatstaxx happy new year, horsebag.
— Ben Duff (@lilbwn) January 1, 2015
good to know I tried to flirt in the ambulance with one of the girls bc of her accent. happy fucking new year ????
— meg (@urnotevenevan) January 1, 2015
Always be closing.
I just tried to fight my reflection
— Pauline ? (@bustitbarbz) January 1, 2015
Also, I'm drunk so my harry girl is coming out…. But not so drunk that my louis girl is completely gone… Weird stage of drunkenness..
— 1D_20something (@1D_20something) January 1, 2015
Shout out to the girl who got so drunk that the first thing we saw in 2015 was her vagina
— Josie James (@JosieJames_) January 1, 2015
Threw a condom at the fella in McDonald's and he gave me a free large Fanta, HAPPY NEW YEAR
— Delia (@deliamcnamara) January 1, 2015
McDonald’s secret menu…
So drunk that i think I'm feeding myself when actually giving all the Pringles to my cat
— kit (@katiegween) January 1, 2015
Which begs the question, what does one cat do with multiple Pringles?
— Akit (@AgentAkit) January 1, 2015
That’s a new promotion.
It took 10 minuts, and I lost my pants somewhere, but I got this bottle open.
— Kanon (@KeyKanon_) January 1, 2015
— Cory Schons (@CorySchons) December 31, 2014
Can people pls send me their wild New Year's Eve hookup stories because I took a purity pledge last night and have no cummies related goss
— Samuel James (@YoSamuelJames) December 31, 2014
if you can't wear drag queen brows on New Year's Eve when can you wear them hummmm,
— hny bitches xx (@MarsSailor_) December 31, 2014
PSA: For progress in the new year, prom this spring will no longer be called "prom," but rather a "patriarchal heteronormative cis-dance."
— The Honourable Tyler (@tyler_twats) December 31, 2014