I’m honestly having a hard time remembering when I had more fun than I just had livetweeting the amazing mess that is The Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift.
It’s Friday night, I’m unemployed, and I’m about to watch #TokyoDrift with the boyfriend. Is this the life, or what?
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Apparently this guy goes to high school in the neighborhood neighborhood where everybody has that advanced aging disease. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
When the popular girl suggests a compromise to racing for pink slips because the popular guy doesn’t want the protagonist’s shitty buick, or whatever it is.
“Winner gets me.” 1. That’s prostitution 2. Bitch, I could had a viper. Shut up. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Upon the young protagonists arrival in Japan:
That doors made out of paper, just kick that motherfucker down. Kick that whole place down. You’re the damn king. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
We shipped your ass to Japan where they never even heard of cars. Oh wait. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
MOTHERFUCKING HULK CAR #TOKYODRIFT
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Accents were a little bit… dodgy.
I’m sorry, did he suddenly get southern? #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Women as objects in 3, 2, 1…
“I licked this female. She is mine.””But she spoke to me. She is mine.” #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Now kiss #TokyoDrift twitter.com/Marinaisgo/sta…
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Typical homosocial bonding using women as an excuse to get closer to your fellow man.
“you know ie what DK stands for?” “no” “dick kisser” #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
And then he looses control and kills 40 high school students. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
If you don’t straighten up, we’re going to feed you to Gozilla, son! I’m just a retired sea captain, I can’t afford this shit! #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Mama like. #TokyoDrift twitter.com/Marinaisgo/sta…
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
When his new boss asks him to confront a man “with a paw,” in a bathhouse and he gets assaulted by a sumo wrestler.
“no, you moron. The man has a paw for a hand, not a paw tattoo. That’s a respected noble. OMG!”
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
It’s nice that he dressed you before he threw you out into the street. #tokyodrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
(Because they were naked in the bathhouse)
I’m a badass yakuza, that’s why I hang out in this windowless shipping container. Now get out. No boys allowed. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
The only thing w/ any screen presence in this shit heap is the CGI bottle of Tobasco that flew across the screen in the 2nd act #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
The redundancy drives me insane, but it’s true.
That was a compliment, btw. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Wow boss, they got lesbians in Japan. This place is amazing! #tokyodrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
I think it’s actually a policy that there has to be one lady-on-lady make out sesh in every Fast and Furious movie.
My favorite thing about these movies is probably how the women are flat out furniture. They don’t even try to sugar coat it. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
I like my misogyny obvious. Other movies make the ladies all relatable and shit. Then it hurts to realize they’re just props. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Not Fast and the Furious. They’re not even people. The dudes are the only real humans here. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Anyway, end feminist rant.
When the protagonist is confronted by his father for his wayward, drifting lifestyle.
I’m not going to school no more daddy, I learned how to drift. I’m going to be a winner. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Drift gang boss is a poet.
“So if you don’t drift for money, what do you drift for?” “you really want to know?” “yeah” “pussy. I drift for pussy, idiot” #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
I live my life a quarter drift at a time #tokyodrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
“the first drifters invented drifting out here in the mountains. So feel it” real talk, I just heard that come out of my TV. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
“My mom gave me this Australian accent in utero. Now she’s dead and my pussy belongs to the mob.” Makes sense #tokyodrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
And that’s all the character development we need for the girl, apparently. But for real, she speaks with an Australian accent even though the mom died when she was little and she’s been raised by Japanese people since she was a toddler or something.
And then all those chuckleheads drove straight off a cliff, one after another and everybody died. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
That’s what happens when you’re drifting and having a romantic moment at the same time.
YOU DONT DRIFT WITH ANOTHER MAN’S GRANDMA’S ADOPTED DAUGHTER, SON #TOKYODRIFT
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
“You’ve changed, DK. We used to be the same age, but now you’re like, thirty. It’s over.” #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
When the girl tried to break up with her aspiring Yakuza boyfriend/adopted nephew (see above).
Get in the car, I’m going to drift us to safety, baby. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
This is not a getaway car. This is a drift away car.
These young punks, just drifting in and out of slow moving traffic like they don’t even give a damn. What’s the world coming to? #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
The epic drift chase through the streets of Tokyo
Fact: Car crashes create localized gravity events that draw other cars in. Special gravitivity, if you will. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Tokyo Drift isn’t a bad movie except for the parts where people are talking.
— Ben Bateman (@benspants) May 25, 2013
He killed your boss and then he just drifted away like it was nothing. That’s cold, bra. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
When Han Seoul-oh dies.
Dad, you have to give me your car so I can take responsibility and drift my girlfriend back. She’s basically a prostitute. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
How to be a multi-ethnic film hero: take their thing and make it better by adding white boy stuff. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Seriously why don’t you just put the girl in a leia bikini already? #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Oh, when we weren’t looking this bitch got stolen back by the yakuza. I’m so far past caring about her.
Ok. You may keep the female. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
I DON’T CARE.
WB: I didn’t know Han was into American muscle.Vin: he was when he was riding with me. Actual quote. This movie is amazing. #TokyoDrift
— Marina Rose Martinez (@Marinaisgo) May 25, 2013
Fin.