I know, I know, it’s I, Frankenstein, not iFrankenstein, but I don’t care. I like my version better. I feel like it fits the script more, because iFrankenstein is hilarious.
First, we take the story of Frankenstein, a tale of the horrors and the wonders of the scientific mind, and then we add an unnecessary Christian angle that would have seemed totally out of place in Shelley’s 19th century masterpiece, the gist of which is that God animated gargoyles to protect humanity against 666 daemons bent on our demise. And Frankenstein just happens to wander into the middle of it.
Because a movie about an CORPSE GOLEM made from fucking SCIENCE, fighting GOD DAMNED CRIME (CRIME!!!) would have been too bland. Between you and me, reader, the Jesus shit was just a bit of a let down. I’d much rather watch Aaron Eckhart brood over Yvonne Strahovski, fight dudes with his super strength, and then victory bone. I’m a simple woman. I like simple things.
The plot is convoluted and it feels like one guy pitched a gargoyles vs daemons movie, another guy pitched a Frankenstein movie, and the studio decided to hedge their bets by combining them. The weird, poorly animated gargoyles and daemons trying to be scary at each other came off as silly, rather than thrilling. Which is a reward in its own right, but it’s a sad booby prize when I think of what could have been.
The plot in this film feels like wall spaghetti. It randomly skips 200 years as if nothing had happened (200 interesting years that could have at least had a montage). First he hates humanity, then he’s okay with us. Then he hates the daemons, then the gargoyles, then the daemons again. All this strife based on the fact that, as a creation of man, he doesn’t have a soul. But, like any mythical boy, he could earn a soul if he just found something to connect himself to the human race. Which, it turns out, is a blond.
Behold the 200 year old virgin. Just waiting for good guy Yvonne Strahovski to come along and show him what makes life worth living. Not that she doesn’t seem extremely qualified in that department, but she’s starting to get typecast as pantie bait for dweebs over here.
By far my favorite part of the entire film was when Frankenstein, in a fit of genius, leads the gargoyles on a surprise assault on the daemon base (he tricks them into following him). Which, it turns out, they never realized was 3 BLOCKS AWAY. It’s not like it’s not obvious, either. The entire movie, every wide shot of this city shows two massive fortresses facing each other. So I assumed that they each knew that the other one was out there. But no. It’s established pretty early on that the daemons know where the gargoyle fortress is, but the gargoyles apparently have no knowledge of the daemons. In fact, when the gargoyles finally understand what they’re doing, their queen goes “So that’s where it is.” SO THAT’S WHERE IT IS?! There’s only one other massive fortress in the entire town, you dummy. No wonder one meat monster is the tipping point in this war.
Basically, this could have been really cool. Instead, it’s one to watch at home with friends and wine. You’ll still have a damn good time.
2.5 out of 5 stars. Just because it hit a mark it wasn’t aiming at doesn’t earn it any extra points.