SUCK UP: To anybody who can help you with this project. Only think in terms of the current project. Feel free to deride, even abuse anybody who can’t help you look good right now. Every project is a brand new blank slate, feel free to throw co-workers in and out of your personal favor like cows in a hurricane. Co-workers are not friends. They’re not even fellows. They’re a means to an end, nothing more. Also suck up to everyone above you on the corporate ladder. Tell them anything they might want to hear. If it seems like they don’t like you, come on stronger.
IGNORE: Anybody in a uniform, anybody in a cubicle, anybody wearing a name-tag, and anybody who wants your help for any reason that you are not obligated to give in the loosest possible reading of your job description.
HIDE: Constantly. Places you may find useful for this endeavor are the handicapped stall in the restroom, the storage closet, a vacant meeting room (bring your laptop or a notebook, people will look in and think that you’re being productive!) and the mailroom.
ACT AS IF: You are the only person in the entire organization that has any idea how to do their job. Include supervisors on this list, but only express this behind their backs.
LIE: At every available opportunity. If you can make people think you have children, do it. Don’t look back. Just toast little sick Joey-Jessica every time you need a four margarita lunch.
HOARD: Everything that isn’t nailed down. Spoons, forks, napkins, staplers, even 15 gallon water bottles. You never know when things will fall apart and you’ll be forced to buy your own spoons. Don’t let yourself fall into that scarcity hell. It’s not stealing if it doesn’t leave the office.
STEAL: Everything you’ve hoarded that nobody has missed in the last 6 months. Think of it as hazard pay.
SAY THINGS LIKE: “How hard is it to…;” “Is anybody looking for a job as a [name the position of the subordinate who just pissed you off]” (<- extra bonus points if you say this in front of them); "You had one job;" "We have too many meetings" followed immediately by "we should have a meeting about that;"
WRITE: Passive aggressive notes and tape them on every available surface. If somebody else writes a note, complain to HR.
DEVELOP: Recurring sinus infections and a Vitamin D deficiency-induced depression from breathing recirculated air and sitting inside all day.
AVOID: Any swears and slurs, but be as clearly racist, sexist and classist as you want. Just remember to use words like “cultural” and “education.”
WONDER: Why your artist friends are all such losers. Why can’t they just go get a job like you did.
