Tonight is the first night Ben and I stay with Grandma. I made a very long, meandering post about my apprehension over this visit a couple of weeks ago, and I’m still a little worried about the drama that may or may not befall us. But we’re here, it’s queer, so we might as well get used to it.
We set up WiFi, and I have my laptop and work notebook here. I have a lot of stuff to do, most of which can be done without my primary machine, so work will happen as long as I can focus and not get distracted. I worry about that. I’m already taking grandma to one doctor’s appointment that my mom was supposed to take her to.
I’m still on the fence about taking care of grandma vs building my business. It’s easy to say that one or the other should take precedence, depending on where you’re coming from. All I can think of is Liz Lemon shouting Cathy-style about how she wants to “have it all.”
This is, of course extremely influenced by the fact that my childhood was pretty terrible, so I’m dealing with being in that house again in addition to the weird mind-fuck that is finding myself quasi-responsible for a woman who wasn’t that great at being responsible for me. I mean, I’m all for bygones and water under bridges and everything, but she made it very clear to me growing up that she wasn’t my mom, I wasn’t her kid, and she was not happy to be stuck with me. Not to mention she let her husband beat on me and treat me like scum every possible moment.
And now I’m supposed to take her to the doctor instead of working to provide for my own financial well being? A financial well being that I will create for myself without any assistance from her or anybody? It’s hard to feel guilty about choosing work instead.
Don’t get me wrong, as an adult I’m able to see how a woman from a certain generation with a certain background would have trouble recognizing the cycle of abuse and all that. I’ve decided to have a relationship with my family members as an adult person and not a wounded child, and I like my grandma and want her to be happy. But not at my own expense. It’s just a matter of knowing what’s what. Which I’ll probably be learning this week.
(hooray)
Oh, and tonight is the supermoon. My uncle and I went out to look at it and saw a family out night riding with their horses. There were about 6 people, including little kids riding in front of their dads. It was pretty cute. I got this pic of the last horse in the line walking past the moon. It really doesn’t do it justice. That moon was amazing.
