Don’t Say I Didn’t Warn You: Iron Man 3 Spoilers

For fuck’s sake Pepper Potts, you giant white wet noodle. All you do is cry and I hate your wimpy, shitty guts. I mean, I thought I disliked you before, but this movie takes the cake.

1. Your man just saved this entire planet from aliens, he has fucking PTSD and all you can do is be angry that he’s not good at gift buying? Your lack of perspective should be studied.
2. Instead of addressing the fact that your partner has not slept (with you or anywhere) for upwards of three days you find yourself smelling other men. Men who you used to be thoroughly creeped out by when they were not hot. I want to choke you to death.
3. Remember the movie before this one when you you were actually fucking rational and intelligent and didn’t just run around bitching about things and being fucking stupid? That was nice.
4. Please do something, anything besides scream and cry.
5. I mean, it was cool when you got to do your Iron Man drag and I liked that the writers eventually threw you a bone at the end and made you the she-hulk ex fire machina, but for real?
6. And what the fuck is it with the ending?
7. Talk about a woman afraid of her own power, are you serious with this shit? You just exploded the rapey fuckhole who turned you into a science experiment, you admitted that you could see how your man might not want to give up his own power, and instead of concluding that you should both occupy your own space with equal agency to act in defense of the fucking universe (do you even understand, the God damned universe, you twat?!) you…
8. INSIST THAT HE BLOW UP HIS IRON MANS AND ARE CONTENT TO SEE ONE OF EARTH’S MAJOR DEFENSE SYSTEMS EXPLODE OVER YOUR STUPID BLOND HEAD LIKE FIREWORKS OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU IF YOU HAD BEEN MARRIED TO MARTIN LUTHER KING WE’D STILL BE DRINKING AT SEPARATE FOUNTAINS YOU LACKING-VISION-ASS BITCH.

Ben says I might be projecting a little bit, and that if I weren’t so stressed out about the lay-offs at work, I’d feel differently about the plight of the poor, pitifully written mess that is Pepper Potts and that really my hatred should be directed at the lazy, misogynist writers who turned an otherwise competent (if stupidly dressed) woman like Pepper into the time bomb of awful we find in the third movie.

He’s not wrong.