1. Feminists can’t ask for directions.
Feminist National Conference Rule 347 subset J states that we can totally ask for directions if death is imminent. We just don’t like to, because most directions glorify the patriarchy.
2. It’s not our job to educate you.
It actually is our job. It’s in the bylaws. But it’s also our job to be self-righteous about it first.
3. Feminists aren’t allowed to diet.
We’ve been allowed to diet since the 80s. We just aren’t allowed to lose weight.
4. Love glorifies the patriarchy.
That’s ridiculous. Only heterosexual love glorifies the patriarchy.
5. Feminists earn rank through a system of academic peer review and displays of skill.
Every time a nut-shot connects, a feminist gets her wings.
6. Feminists can’t enjoy sex.
In all three of the pre-approved positions, while uttering no more than half of the pre-approved phrases.
7. Feminists are physically hurt when they walk through a door a man holds open for them.
Quite the opposite. Opening our own doors gives us a narcotic high that we quickly become hopelessly addicted to. By opening a door for a feminist, you are literally harshing her mellow.
8. Feminists aren’t allowed to watch porn.
We can watch porn. As long as it’s gay porn. Gay porn is the only porn that literally smashes the patriarchy.
9. There’s no such thing as a book of feminism.
There is. It’s huge. It hurts when it hits you.
10. Men are not allowed to be feminists.
Gay men are totally allowed to be feminists. Don’t worry, there’s a test.
11. Feminists only have children in order to replenish the feminist army.
We also have children in the hopes that we can bring a discrimination suit against employers who don’t enforce legal maternity rights.
12. Feminists aren’t allowed to compliment men.
We’re allowed to. There’s just never any reason to.
13. Feminists are awesome.
Not only awesome, we’re…
In case you were wondering where that awesome watermelon gif came from: